Community post

@rebecca - I am SO sad for you. I was reading back to see what all I needed to catch up on and I saw what you wrote about your sister-in-law again. The FB friend I have that has had many miscarriages (and has been open on FB about the most recent loss) she posted something that I thought was really good. I'll paste it here. She made the status public and encouraged people to share it if they wanted to.

(If anyone in here would like to share this on FB, just let me know and I will share it on my FB for you to see.)

This is what she wrote:

"Last week at the store, the cashier scanned the four pregnancy tests, looked at me and then pointedly at my twin boys and my husband, saying incredulously, “Are you trying for more?!” I fought feelings of anger, embarrassment, wanting to tell her it’s none of her business. Instead, I thought I would tell her the truth so that maybe she would be less rude and hurtful to the next woman. “No, we just miscarried a baby girl, and my doctor wants me to keep taking these tests until they are negative.” She was embarrassed and profusely apologetic. After nearly twelve years of infertility and fifteen miscarriages, I am always surprised at what people think is okay to say.
People in churches and family and friends closest to the couple seem to be the worst at saying the wrong things. That said, our current church family reached out to us with our recent loss, giving us gifts, cards, texts, phone calls, flowers, and meals. I was amazed at the love they just poured on us! It helped with the healing more than I can express.
Do you know what to NOT to say, and more importantly, what TO say to those who are experiencing infertility, and pregnancy loss? Here are a few points:
- It’s better not to say anything AT ALL. Give hugs, flowers, cards that only say you love them, or a meal after a miscarriage or surgery.
- NEVER, ever, ever say anything about it being God’s Will. It’s never God’s perfect will for evil to happen. It’s not about whether or not God is in control, but more about the fact that bad things happen in this fallen world of ours, to both good people and evil people. YOU cannot pretend to know God’s will for someone else, or the reasons why hurtful things happen to someone. Regardless of what you believe or don’t believe, it’s better to not say any potential hurtful comments at all. Instead, say that they’ll be in your thoughts and prayers during this painful time.
- On the same note, NEVER say things like:
When are you guys going to have a baby? You better hurry up! You’re not a spring chicken anymore! If it’s meant to be… Just stop trying and it’ll happen. Give it time, relax and go on vacation. Kids are trouble anyway. Kids aren’t everything. Be grateful for what you have. Have you ever considered adoption? Just adopt, and you’ll get pregnant. Have you been to the doctor? Have you tried …(fertility treatment/sex position/sex timing/diet/etc?) Treatments, such as IVF, aren’t universally possible for everyone, nor is it always successful or affordable. Unless you are a Reproductive Specialist, it’s best to keep your suggestions to yourself. I have been surprised, over and over, at the general public’s lack of education on how fertility and pregnancy works, and the tendency to believe ludicrous Old Wives’ Tales.
- Don’t assume the infertility issue is with the woman, as infertility is 50/50 men as well. In 25% of couples, infertility issues are with BOTH. Frankly, even if you’re the friend, mom, grandma, aunt, sister, dad or uncle, it’s none of your business what is causing their infertility! Let the couple/individual bring it up themselves if they want to. Don’t be rude and nosy!
- Give the couple space, but yet offer to welcome them into your life. Don’t pretend they don’t exist. Let them choose to be as involved as they want to be. They may need alone time, or they may need to come over and play with your kids.
- If you are pregnant, send a quiet email letting the couple know. This gives them time to grieve their own loss, and then be able to face you with true happiness for you.
Lastly, if you went through infertility, no matter how short or long, it doesn’t give you the right to judge someone else on how they are dealing with their own pain. Every infertility journey is different. Be someone who listens with compassion and love, if they even want to talk to you at all. Only offer advice if they ask, and if you truly know what you are talking about. Let them know you care. Send a card, text, or note before Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or an anniversary of a miscarriage or loss just letting them know you care and are on your heart.
Show love, and be sensitive to avoid causing more pain to someone already hurting."

@miracle - I am so glad your biopsy came back normal, and if anything abnormal happens with your cycle this month, I hope it's a BFP!!! (and not another drawn out potting ordeal like last time. ) Your friend's story is pretty amazing, keep us posted! I really hope it all works out with the surrogate!

@LSchrader - I know what you are saying. I was more familiar with baby girls too, my youngest brother is 24, so it had been a LONG time since a boy had been born. When I first got pregnant, "baby girl" just popped into my head and seemed the natural thing, but everyone kept saying boy, so I told myself to expect it to be a boy. Ha! I haven't had a moment of feeling clueless in any way regarding his boyness. I'm on pins and needles to know what you found out today, why must you be three hours behind my time zone!?!

@rebecca - Are they planning to run tests on what you bring in? I know that cannot be fun at all, but if they do run tests, it could hold some answers and be helpful in future pregnancies. Sending thoughts of comfort and healing as you go through these next few days, for you and your hubby in his time of grief. My heart is so heavy for you.

@zyara - Sending lots of your way!

@football - Winston looks incredibly tall! What percentile is he in for height, do you know? It goes by so fast. :( I hardly remember what it was even LIKE to hold Oliver when he was teeny tiny. I bring Oliver to bed with me the nights he wakes up in the wee hours of the morning to nurse, but it's starting to be uncomfortable because we only have a queen sized bed and Clark takes up a lot of room. It would be so much nicer to co-sleep in a king bed.

AFM - As many of you have already seen, Oliver took his first steps tonight! He walked to me several times and got better each time. I can't wait for tomorrow to see what the little scamp does!

Ok I will comment more later butttttt results are in!!!!! GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

Wooooohoooooo!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!

Aww congrats lschrader!!!!

Hope everyone is doing well!

Rebecca I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

Lschrader. ...woohoo! Yay! Congratulations on your baby girl.

@Lschrader we have other girl here... wooohoooooo!!!

@Lschrader - I just read the news! OMG! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! A baby girl! I am so happy for you! I knew it!

@Skyline - I loved hearing the excitement in Oliver's voice as he took his first step. So cool that you have that on video forever. I really enjoyed reading what your friend posted about what to say and not say to someone ttc, especially woman who suffer infertility, loss and miscarriages. Well written and I can totally relate. I know a lot of us woman who have or continue to struggle can relate. Thank you for sharing.

@Athena - Nice to see you stop by. :)

@Lschrader- YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!! It's about time we have a girl! I'm so excited for you! Do you have any ideas on her name?? :)

@skyline- he's so long and skinny it's ridiculous haha. He's in the 75th percentile for height and 20th for weight. Congrats on Oliver's first steps! Isn't 9 months early, too? That video was darling.

@Skyline- Thank you so much for posting your friends comment. The things people say blow my mind. I always tell myself...they just don't know, and it's ok that they don't get it. But then again i think...NO its not ok. IF an recvoering alcoholic (that you did not know was one) were to join you at dinner and didn't order a drink, you are not going to hound them about why they aren't drinking...its common sense...maybe they just don't like to drink, maybe it makes them sick, maybe they have an issue with it, you may think, but unless they bring it up, why would you say anything? Same thing goes for infertility! Some people choose not to have gives, some people cannot have kids, some are trying but are having issues. You can really relate it to anything so when people ask when you are having kids, its like....i dont freaking know! I had a co-worker ask me all the time. She is single and probably in her late 50's...I finally responded one time...I don't know...when are you? She never asked me again :)

I will have to go see your video of Oliver! SO much fun!!!!

@football-I always think how long and skinny Winston is!! He is too cute!!!

Thank you ladies! I am kinda shocked! I totally had in my head boy!! We did a small reveal with our parents, so we got to find out all together which was fun. She was breach so she gave the doctor a hard time, but he ended up getting a good picture of her. I am so excited to have a daugther!!!