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@rebecca - That totally makes sense. I kept telling myself before IVF that if i at lesat just get pregnant, i will do everything in my power to keep the pregnancy...what does that even mean? When we finally got pregnant i remember thinking how stupid i was since there was literally NOTHING i could do...it was either going to work, or not work. I am so sorry you are going through this and of course this loss does not mean you don't love your children any less or more, or that losing a baby gets easier each time. I pray for healing for you physically and mentally. I hope you take some time for yourself and greive the way that you need to. We are all here for you.

@Rebecca, I totally understand you. I have two kids (one on the way) and 2 in heaven. And this is it!!! As I tell people, this person, was created in a specific moment, with an accurate combination of cells, that can't be repeated. Period.
This baby I carry on here is not a substitute, and my daughter is other story. I don't know why people try to ease our mourn with stupid phrases, that is how I feel all that shit, and please excuse my french.
As you say just when you have been there you can understand the loss.
Take you time to heal, maybe its stupid but I feel some kind of healing when I listen "Tears in Heaven"

@miracle- I'm saddened to hear the news from your doctor. I know it's been said before, but you HAVE gotten pregnant. It's not impossible. And I don't believe that God would do that and then not allow you to carry a child to term. Please don't lose the faith, optimism, and courage you've had and shown so many of us. You are amazing!

@rebecca- I'm also saddened to hear your news. I know nothing will make it easier, so you just take the time you need to heal. I pray for peace and comfort as well as understanding. I'm so sorry you have to endure this, but you WILL be okay. Hugs to you.

Hello to everyone else. It's been a sad few days on the board, hasn't it?

@football - Thank you! I still hold the dream but not with intensity like I had been for several years. It's so painful to long for something that is not YET happening. To be told over and over again that my chances are next to zero by dr's. It's so painful to be the only one here in our tight circle to not have a baby in my arms. I am really blessed though to get to love on my partner's beautiful children for the past 7 years. They bring me so much joy and they love me very much. I am counting my blessings for sure. Hope you and your family are doing well. Nice to hear from you. And yes, it's been a sad few days here on this forum. :(

@Rebecca - Holding you and your family in my prayers hon. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

AFM - I do have some great news regarding a best friend of mine. We have known each other since we were about 5 years of age. We grew up on the same block as one another as kids for a few years. She has wanted to be a biological mom so much. She has had tragedy after tragedy happen to her regarding a few miscarriages. She had ectopics, endometriosis, a few surgeries, removal of fallopian tube and one failed expensive IVF with her husband. Her and her husband had frozen a few good embryos at the time of the failed ivf. Sadly, she had to have a full hysterectomy due to all the intense physical pain she was experiencing non stop. Her husband left her out of the blue one day for someone else. Fast forward to 7 years after divorce. My friend currently has a roommate who has been a surrogate mother before and who is willing to do it again for my friend. My friend has a shot at her own embryos implanting. Her ex husband has signed and released all rights with Attorney papers. I really pray this works for my friend. Otherwise she will be adopting. Please keep her in your prayers for me.

@miracle- Wow that is quite a story for your friend. My heart hurts for her journey but i am so excited for this one she is on! I am so happy her ex signed all the paperwork and will allow her to move forward, what a gift. I can't wait to hear how everything goes!

Miracle...what an unexpected turn of events for your friend! I'm sorry she had so much to go through, but hope things are much easier going forward. Please keep us updated.

Lschrader. ..how are you, dear?

Afm....I'm so sorry I've been such a downer lately. To say it's been a tough week doesn't quite touch it. After waiting all week for things to take care of themselves, I finally went in to see my OB today. We talked, and she said it would be best to check my hcg levels again. My first draw on Monday showed levels consistent with a healthy 11 week pregnancy. The ultrasound showed a gestational sac around 8 or 9 weeks, with a baby measuring around 5 or 6. I told her if I miscarried on my own that was ok, but I wasn't sure how I really felt about taking meds to help things along. If there's any chance the baby is alive I just can't do it. She said she'd seen some weird things, so she agreed it was best to double check. If my levels are the same or higher, then I'll have another ultrasound next week. If they've dropped I can do the meds, and wait for a period to try again.

I know I'm probably delaying the inevitable, but I feel better making sure. My husband wonders if I could have been pregnant with twins and lost one. Who knows. I should hear back this afternoon about my numbers.

@rebecca - Please dont apologize, you have every right to be feeling down. We ALL understand that. I am so thankful your doctor is not forcing anything upon you and it really sounds like there could be a chance baby is just giving you a difficult time. How would you be getting an HCG reading of 11 weeks, if the baby is measuring so behind? When will you go back in and when do you get those results? I would be doing the exact same thing as you...there is just no way i could move on without really knowing what is happening. I will be thinking of you.

I am doing well. I am started to feel large. For sor long i was sick and losing weight. Now that i am not sick anymore, i feel the pounds adding on. I know its what is going to happen, just not used to it! I am SO eager to know what this baby is. We find out Monday. I am still "kinda" hoping for a girl, but preparing for a boy.I realized that its not that i don't want a boy, its that i dont know boys so i am scared of that!

Hi ladies - Cd 29. I feel AF coming.

@Lschrader - I can't believe you are going to know the gender on monday. You must be nervous and excited. I know you will do amazing no matter what.. boy or girl. Boy's are fun, very active physically, eat a lot, get dirty and not as emotional or picky as girls. I can't wait to find out. Tell me again when your due date is? Your body is going to do what it needs to do with or without your consent to feed and grow this baby.. lol. I think that's why God gives woman 9 months to grow and adjust to the pregnancy. I can only imagine what you are going through. :)

@Rebecca - Please don't ever apologize for what you're going through to yourself or others. I would be so upset and an emotional wreck if I was in your shoes. That's so weird that your hcg is measuring at 11 weeks but the baby is measuring at 8 or 9 weeks. I am praying for a miracle for you sweetie. You never know. I say prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I would do the same thing you are doing and wait to get your hcg tested next week. I'm sad that you are having to go through all this right now. Sending you a ((((((((((( hug ))))))))))).

Lschrader. .. boy or girl, either way you'll be in love for the rest of your life. I adore my boys and my daughter. They're entirely different, yet there is so much to love about those differences. It's ok if you feel disappointed if you don't get the gender you're hoping for, don't feel bad about that at all. The first time you snuggle your little one, it ceases to matter. You're going to be excellent parents!

I got the call at 6pm. My numbers dropped 15,000 points. Damn it. I'm going to get the medicine and some super motrin they're prescribing me in about half an hour. I'm going to have a fun weekend by the sound of things. Painful cramping I have to take the motrin for, heavy bleeding, and oh yeah, I get to save whatever I pass and bring it in on Monday. Sorry for the tmi, I'm back to being angry again. But if I'm not angry I'm crying in the bathroom and hoping the kids don't hear. As an added bonus my dh just got word one of his uncle's passed away during surgery to remove cancer from his left lung. The cancer had spread to his heart and when they tried to remove it he died. It was too much for my dear sweet hubby and he broke down and cried in front of the kids. It's been a shitty day. (Pardon my language. I'm just really upset.)

@Rebecca - Wow! How devastating. :( Sounds like a very very hard time for you and your family right now. I pray God comforts you and your dh and gives you the strength to get through this difficult time. :( I am very sorry for the loss you guys are experiencing. I am holding your family in my prayers.