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pookerdooks

Confessions of the Infertile Woman

Hi ladies. I know I'm not the only woman here who has fertility problems and sometimes feels very alone.

I'm only in my fourth month of ttc but I've been told by my doctor that due to a deformity of my uterus I may have some serious problems staying pregnant (if I'm ever blessed enough to even become pregnant). I will know more though after I get an mri tomorrow.

Anyway, sometimes thoughts pop into my head and then I feel guilty for thinking such negative things. I fear that if I confess these feelings to other people that they will judge me as a bad person or as insane as some of these things are irrational.

But I know I can't be the only one who experiences this.

So I thought I would create a thread where we can confess our frustrations and negative thoughts that we have regarding our fertility problems. I want this to be a place where we can freely express our emotions without anyone judging, just supporting.

Basically, I want a group therapy page!

So let me start off by giving some of my own confessions:

~When I see pictures of my friends' pregnant bellies, I feel jealous and angry

~I know I'm supposed to believe that God is testing me, but sometimes I feel like he is punishing me

~I get angry when I see people that don't take good care of themselves (much less their children) having babies when I can't.

~I judge other mothers as being less deserving

~I have constant nightmares about having miscarriage after miscarriage which cause me to wake up sweat drenched

~I feel like a failure as a woman

~I fear my husband may one day resent me if I can't give him children

~I fear this is somehow all my fault

~I hate myself for not being able to really be happy for my friends who have been blessed with children

~Sometimes the only way I can cheer myself up is by thinking "Well at least I won't lose my sexy body as quickly as my friends."

So many dark thoughts cross my mind sometimes and I was always a very happy, positive person before.

What dark thoughts do you have that you feel you can't share with anyone else?

288 Replies • 13 years ago

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moconnor

aroma - I am so sorry for the bad news. That is no fun at all! What are the typical procedures when they find a blocked tube? I know today is a hard day so take time to be said but tomorrow wake and with fight back in you! This doesn't mean the end of trying, just a road bump. I am sorry for the bad news though....

13 years ago

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rachelm1229

I am so sorry Kristine. Is there anything that they can do to unblock the tubes? If the desire of your heart is to be a mother then you ARE meant to be one, one way or another. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

*~* Rachel *~*

13 years ago

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nursejones29

well showed up today. i cant even begin to express how upset i am. i tried to hold in my tears but they just came rolling out anyways. i cant beleive i actually thought i would be able to get Pg. im so stupid to just keep giving myself false hope month after month after month. what have i done to derserve being punished like this??? i have been tring for over 3 years and a year before that we were NTNP and i secretly prayed every month i would just get pregnant on a whim. so 4 years....4 long years....havent i suffered enough? has that not been long enough punishment for whatever it is that ive done?

Aisha i am very happy for you. im not going to lie it does sting a little but i only wish the best for you and your little one. you will be in my prayers and thank you for being such a support to me.

Rachel your story did make me laugh. thank you so much i really needed that today.

kristine i pray that your tube will unblock but dont give up hope i know im not an inspiration story but i do know a woman and she only had one tube and ovary and conceived twins naturally. so dont give up hope (of course im a real fine one to be talking after my previous paragraph)

moconnor- glad you joined this forum its the best besides the clomid thread

i wish you all the best. im fixing to go drink a glass of wine and watch The Doctors.

Shea Soy Cycle1- Soy Cycle2- Soy Cycle3- "For nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37

13 years ago

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aromatherapy

i think im still kinda in shock,but damit all to f$%@#ing hell why can't i seem to ever catch a break... all i want is to be pregnant for f sakes,18 months of trying to find out my tubes are blocked and there is nil chance of me ever getting a baby... im soo angry pissed off sad,oh whatever,i feel everything right now and am soooo sick of this shit i want to blow someones head off.. all those yrs of me being on bc pills for WHAT!!!!!! NOTHING thats what.... screw you gp who said for the past yr that im normal and all things are fine you ass i hate you for wasting my time and my life... i am soo lost as to what to do!!!!!! im going to have a drink of rye any one want to join me

13 years ago

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love33

I want to give you an unofficial as i understand everything you have been turu. I have been trying to get prego for 5yrs after i misscarried in 06. and i agre with you in everything expect for saying that god gives us trials. he does not because god is love.
again un offcial and
[h5

13 years ago

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TeacherToria

Oh Aroma! I AM SO SORRY! I don't know much about what to do with blocked tubes unfortunately. Did your doctor schedule a followup or anything? I know IVF is an option....

to you! It seems that the bad news is piling up all over the place regarding good people struggling with ttc.....

13 years ago

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lisserb

Kristine, I'm so sorry your HSG showed the blockages. Take some time to be sad and angry, and then try to look at it from another angle. There is a reason now why you haven't conceived yet. Depending on the severity of the blockages, they could possibly be fixed with a laparoscopy. Unless the FS says the HSG showed total, irreparable blockages, it's not game over yet.

And even then, you could be an excellent candidate for IVF, unless that's not something you would consider doing. I know it's not for everyone, myself included.

It's not game over yet, but I know today it feels that way, so big hugs.

Shea, I wish I could wave a magic wand for you. Try to hang in there, honey. The soy worked, give it another chance. Big hugs to you too.

Melissa-37, lost rt tube DH-36, MFI - low morph DD-7, conceived naturally after 26 cycles --- TTC#2 since 2006 IUI's in April, May, December 2011 - ALL BFN IUI#4-100mg clomid - Feb/12 BFP Ectopic pg ended March 2/12 IUI#5-100mg clomid - May/12 BFN IUI#6-100mg clomid - June/12 BFP Chemical pg IUI#7-100mg clomid - Sept/12 BFN IUI#8-100mg clomid - Oct/12 BFP Chemical pg IUI#9- 5mg femara - Jan/13 BFN IUI#10-100mg clomid - Mar/13 BFN Counting down to our IVF in September! But wait...SURPRISE!! Aug/13- Natural, miracle for the second time while waiting for a treatment cycle to begin.

13 years ago

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aromatherapy

ivf is not an option because i don't have 15000 dollars for it,so it is game over for me!!!!!

13 years ago

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Bens10

Kristine - I am so sorry. I know the pain you are in. we all have some idea of it. I find it hard to believe that this day in age, they can't unblock your tubes... Did the Dr. suggest anything for unblocking them???

So IVF may not be an option due to finances. Do you have any beautiful women in your life that would be willing to carry your baby for you? your egg, DH sperm. There was a story on tv last month about a mother who carried her daughter's baby for her... yes, mother. That may be more affordable.

But either way, what ever happens, I truly, truly believe you will be a mother. and a good one at that.

Just like I believe Nurse, you will be too... we all will be...

and when we do finally get our chance, we will appreciate our child so much more. They really will be our miracles.

Kristine, Nurse, take all the time you need. Kick, scream, punch, cry, sleep, cry some more...do whatever you need to do. You are not alone... We are here with you. walking the same path.