Community post
Confessions of the Infertile Woman
Hi ladies. I know I'm not the only woman here who has fertility problems and sometimes feels very alone.
I'm only in my fourth month of ttc but I've been told by my doctor that due to a deformity of my uterus I may have some serious problems staying pregnant (if I'm ever blessed enough to even become pregnant). I will know more though after I get an mri tomorrow.
Anyway, sometimes thoughts pop into my head and then I feel guilty for thinking such negative things. I fear that if I confess these feelings to other people that they will judge me as a bad person or as insane as some of these things are irrational.
But I know I can't be the only one who experiences this.
So I thought I would create a thread where we can confess our frustrations and negative thoughts that we have regarding our fertility problems. I want this to be a place where we can freely express our emotions without anyone judging, just supporting.
Basically, I want a group therapy page!
So let me start off by giving some of my own confessions:
~When I see pictures of my friends' pregnant bellies, I feel jealous and angry
~I know I'm supposed to believe that God is testing me, but sometimes I feel like he is punishing me
~I get angry when I see people that don't take good care of themselves (much less their children) having babies when I can't.
~I judge other mothers as being less deserving
~I have constant nightmares about having miscarriage after miscarriage which cause me to wake up sweat drenched
~I feel like a failure as a woman
~I fear my husband may one day resent me if I can't give him children
~I fear this is somehow all my fault
~I hate myself for not being able to really be happy for my friends who have been blessed with children
~Sometimes the only way I can cheer myself up is by thinking "Well at least I won't lose my sexy body as quickly as my friends."
So many dark thoughts cross my mind sometimes and I was always a very happy, positive person before.
What dark thoughts do you have that you feel you can't share with anyone else?
288 Replies • 13 years ago
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Hi ladies!
Sorry I havent been around much, I have been checking in just havent had much time to reply! I am still bored in my pre-o 2ww... gonna be a chaotic pre-o wait tho... just started gutting our bathroom... good times!
Aisha - We so have to add talking to our uteri this time! Haha! (IF you dont get your bfp that is... 
)
Nursejones - I am so sorry sweetie. I cant imagine going 3yrs ttc and getting nothing. 
I hope the witch stays away and you get you bfp soon!!
13 years ago
Oh! Not only am I talking to my uterus from now on, but last night I started thinking that maybe there is a fertilized egg in there and so I need to encourage that little zygote to set up shop. So instead of "just keep swimming" I lay in bed for a while singing "just keep digging, just keep digging"
Aisha
13 years ago • Post starter
for the second time while waiting for a treatment cycle to begin. 
this morning , im seriously thinking of giving up , i cant take the emotional roller coaster for much longer.
this month although i feel envy it also gives me hope .
1 son 17 years old , and expecting B/G twins atm that are due next month : )
kitten- i feel the exact same way i think if i dont get a BFP this month im going to go back on BCP for a cycle and try again. i just need a break because like you said its like and emotional roller coaster.
AFM- im 10 or 11 dpo and im still having EWCM lower abdominal cramps and BFN pee sticks :-/
GL to all you ladies i hope at lease some of us get BFP even if its not me. lots of and 
to yall
Shea
Soy Cycle1- 
Soy Cycle2- 
"For nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37
13 years ago
Shea - I think, if this cycle isn't yours, you should give the soy/no NSAID combo two more tries. Kitten, I don't know how many clomid cycles you've had so far, but like Aisha (I think) said earlier, 3 is the supposed lucky round.
That being said, I definitely advocate "taking a break". If I hadn't taken several breaks over the years I've tried, I don't know if I'd have the positive outlook that I still do. The obsessing alone, never mind living your life in two week cycles, is enough to drive anyone batty. :)
I never did go on birth control again, because I didn't want to mess up anything else too, but I definitely put away the thermometer, stopped buying opk's, stopped poas completely, and just decided to open my eyes to the world outside my bathroom door, so to speak.
I highly recommend girls weekend trips. No boys allowed, except for the ones serving or buying you drinks, lol!
As a matter of fact, if this cycle doesn't work for me, I'm taking another break, lol! I'll be in Vegas around O time, so no point in trying to schedule an iui.
I'm taking my last dose tonight. I am going to start with OPKs on CD11, since my positive was CD12 naturally last month. I expect a delay, but don't want to chance missing it.
Good Luck and Hugs to all!
13 years ago
OK- I have to admit I have already become a poas addict this cycle! With OPKs.......
I have peed on three today because I didn't think I did one right. I probably won't O until Thurs. or Fri. but I got a slightly darker line yesterday compared to today? Still not a positive but I was worried it was lighter today?? Maybe because I didn't hold the pee long enough or tested at the wrong time? Can't believe I am crazy already! What will it be like when I am actually poasing? I think I am just excited to be ttc again that I am excited to poas even if it is just an opk! Crazy, I know!
13 years ago
New confession- ttc has made me feel like I'm reverting to my middle school days when I rationalized stupid reasons of why I was "better" than the kids who picked on me. It was age appropriate then, but some of the thoughts I have now when I see a pregnant woman are really immature like "Well, I'm prettier than her" and bull sh** like that. I'm actually laughing at myself for it right now, but it's actually pitiful 
13 years ago • Post starter
I had my doctors appointment today! She prescribed 1500mg of metformin and 50mg of clomid on days 5-9 of my cycle. I am on cycle day one today. I am so happy to at least have a chance of getting pregnant this month. If I am not pregnant in three months she will up the dose of the clomid gradually, but I'll have to go in for sonograms each month around ovulation. She will give me up to 200mg. She really wants to get me pregnant! LOL
For those of you on Clomid, how many days after your last pill do you O? My doc said I should on cd14, but I have read it can take up to ten days to work.
Aisha, I do the same thing! I usually think, "I've been married longer," or, "I have more money than her," or stuff like that. Today at my doctor's office there was a teenager there getting her sonogram and her mom brought her. I just wanted to scream. Also, I just found out that my cousin's wife is pregnant again and I know that they have no way of financially supporting that baby. I feel like a b*tch thinking that way, but I do.
I hope everyone is doing well!
13 years ago
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