Community post

felurian - I'm sorry to hear you're having an especially rough time. I have a bit of a reverse situation in that while I'm by no means the first in a group of friends (we're all in our 30s), two of my longest and closest friends both assumed they'd get here before me. They're both in relationships, but not in ones where they are ttc -- and I can tell they resent me. You think they'd be happy that it's taken over a year! One of them actually said to me, "But are you REALLY trying?" I'm fairly open with my process with those who care about me, but those two in particular have not been supportive. I can tell they don't want to be bothered with it and are more unhappy that they aren't in the same ttc position in their own lives. It's sad.

Luckily for me, my husband is pretty much the GREATEST ever. He's awesome and supportive and has really helped take off the pressure of ttc, even though we actively are.

Speaking of, I had the WEIRDEST dream last night -- that he was kidnapped! How bizarre! Very strange vivid dreams last night.

Has anybody had any nipple leakage as a side effect? I am on CD 8, on my 4th day of Clomid 100mg. I took my bra off and my left breast was covered in an odorless clear oil. I gave my breast a squeeze to see if anything came out, but nothing did. The oil soaked through through my bra. Sorta freaking out. Awaiting a response from my doc, but wanted to see if you ladies had any of this?

cbrown, It's not a side effect for me, but I am able to express clear liquid from both of my breasts and have been able to for years. It generally doesn't leak though. My dr's have never been concerned.

cbrown I haven't experienced that, either. I quick Google search told me that you're not alone, though. I'm sure your doctors can help give you more info about that!

AFM, I've been having trouble temping.... my cat Suki likes to wake me up anywhere between 5-7 in the morning to feed her, and multiple times during the night, so I doubt I got more than three hours solid sleep before temping the last couple days. I don't think they are accurate. I'm also dreading having to give myself my second Bravelle shot in the morning. I did one yesterday and for some reason just freaked out and threw up afterward... I think I psyched myself out. I've never had a problem with needles before. It's so different doing it to yourself! I hate it.

I also had a really great, deep talk with DH last night. I wrote that I was having a really terrible day (thanks for responding, Melissa!), and it was nice talking with him. I pulled a blanket out in the backyard to look at the stars and he joined me. I'm having a huge crisis of faith. I just don't know what I believe anymore. I can't get behind some of the stuff that I have been told since I was a tiny girl. And to be honest, I hate most people in my church. Any other religious ladies here? May I ask how you feel about it all since dealing with infertility?

I'm not a religious person at all, I'm not sure what I believe a lot of the time either. I've never regularly attended a church, and most of the time abhor being preached at about how to live my life.

My biggest issue with God and faith is in the fact that there are so many children born who are unwanted, abused, neglected and killed. Born to women who prostitute and consume extreme amounts of drugs and alcohol, unmarried and without a place to call home. They get to have baby after baby, that they don't want or care for, while the women who would give every single thing they own and every ounce of love they have to a child, go childless. I can not reconcile "God's will" in that. I can not believe that "God closes wombs" for a reason and leaves others open to have neglected children.

I consider my infertility to be completely explainable. There is a scientific reason behind every issue I have had with fertility. There is no God in that.

All that being said, I have witnessed several "miracles" that really seem to have had the "hand of God" on them. I've seen doors open where they had seemed to be impossibly shut, with no explanation of why it was able to happen. Knowing what I know of my fertility issues, it is a miracle to me that my daughter was able to be conceived and carried to term.

I guess I believe that there is more to our existence than we could ever know, but I don't necessarily believe that there is some entity who has preordained what will happen in every single moment of every single persons life. I can't believe that there is a God who would allow a child to be born only to live a short life filled with pain and unimaginable abuse. I think that life truly just happens, good and bad, blessed and forsaken, purposeful or accidental, to everyone no matter what religion, faith, spirituality, or otherwise.

I don't think any of that actually answered your question Allison. I guess, if you find comfort in your faith and in the words in the bible, then keep listening with your heart.

*hugs*

Hi ladies, I had to step away for a couple of days, just to wrap my brain around starting another cycle. Felurian, I hope that you are doing better and am sending hugs your way.

My faith has been tested by infertility as well. It is difficult not to question why certain people are blessed with babies that they dont cherish while we are left praying to experience what they take for granted. I can only hope that there is a reason for this struggle. Lisserb actually summed up many of my feelings really well.

I am so thankful for you all!

Thank you Melissa and Lilith. I really enjoyed reading your thoughts about it.

My main issue with faith and infertility isn't just that I see the "wrong" people getting babies while the "right" people don't, but that I feel God's absence in all of this. It's been drilled in me that if I have faith and ask for God's help that I will be comforted and blessed, etc. But after years of pleading and pain, I don't feel like I'm getting it. I've never struggled this much in my life before, so I had never depended on that help that was promised to me. So it's a bit of a rude awakening to realize that the help and comfort isn't coming when it should be. So of course I question everything else I've been taught.

I, too, have seen miracles. But the crazy thing is, a lot of those miracles go to people who aren't believers. If it truly was "God's Hand," why would he bless the people who, as we've been taught, shouldn't be blessed? I just don't get it at all. Why should I bother and try and do what I've been taught when it doesn't even matter in the end because the people who don't try are also blessed?

Lastly, to end this long soliloquy, I did my Bravelle shot this morning and I didn't puke! Woo!

I've found that my infertility has caused me to react differently to my friends' pregnancies and births.
A good friend & her husband (they were both in our wedding) had a baby girl about 2-3 weeks ago. I sent them my congratulations upon seeing the facebook post, but DH and I haven't made any effort to go see the baby. That's really more my department than his, so I'd have to be the one to initiate that in normal circumstances. Another couple just announced their pregnancy. I couldn't even "like" the status on facebook.

I told DH that I hate how this makes me appear. I'm sure that no one has noticed that I've been quiet, and I'm sure no one would say anything.

Our friends that just had the baby know what I'm going through - they came over for dinner and told us they were expecting just a few days after my 2nd miscarriage. During her pregnancy she complained, she was doing crossfit workouts (including a dead lift of over 100 lbs) and I couldn't understand why she couldn't even PRETEND to be happy with this baby. And I'm sorry....crossfit isn't really mild exercise....DH just laughed at me when I'd get pissed off reading her facebook posts. "She's carrying a f*cking miracle!!!" And I told him that he needed to tell me if I *ever* posted anything negative when we finally succeed.

But yeah. I know why I'm having trouble. In 2 weeks I'm going to be 41 years old. I *look* like I'm 30 (and I am so thankful for that) but my reproductive system doesn't. It's telling me the sad truth. In my life, I've been lucky enough to know when someone I was dating was not going to work out for the long haul and I cut my losses and ended the relationship. Because of my high standards, I didn't marry until I was 38. My husband is wonderful and I've never second-guessed waiting.

I should have frozen my eggs.

And I'm stuck in this OVER two week wait this cycle. I haven't had alcohol for 3 weeks (I'm a wino.) And my frustration is usually what drives me to drink!!!
(Of course, always in moderation.)

You've just pinpointed one of my main pet peeves with organized religion Allie. The "teaching" that only those who believe in God are worthy of his blessings. I didn't take offense to you saying that, so don't get me wrong. Instead it just helps cement for me that I really do not like the institution of "church".

I personally believe that all those who are good and kind, who are selfless with their time and love and who do not intentionally hurt others deserve to have good things happen in their lives. I believe that they deserve that regardless of whether or not they read words in a book written 2000 years ago and believe what it says or regardless of how often they sit in a man-made building and pray.

Like I mentioned before, I'm agnostic at best, but I am more Christian in my daily life than some of the people I know who consider themselves true Christians.

We have some very good friends who attend a church that runs a program for underprivileged girls to be able to have a monthly outing. Although we do not attend their church, we tithe to the program. My friend told us that last year our donations made up the majority of the fund that the program drew upon for the outings. We do it not because we feel obligated to the pastor who stands there with his slicked back hair and three piece suit spouting off about how you must live by the word to have a blessed life (yes, I attended one of his sermons and that is what he preached that day), but rather because we believe in the program itself. We donate, but people who sit in that church and pray and call themselves Christian, some of those who look down their nose at us because we don't attend, do not donate to their own church.

And as non-church going agnostic, who do not read the bible nor pray, but who are good human beings, we deserve the good things that have come our way in our lives. If there is a God and an afterlife in heaven, I believe that you get there by the good that you do in your life that helps others, not by whether or not you profess to love God above all else and how often you attend a church.

Just my thoughts, I don't mean any offense to anyone who does take their faith and their God very seriously.

MrsFlasche, Drink your glass of wine. Even a glass or two in the TWW will not hurt an implanting baby.

How many dpiui are you now?

And hugs about the friend. I know how it feels to read about the pregnancy complaints on facebook.