EDIT - Unplanned pregnancy, DH doesn't want it?!?!
Update in comments, advice please!!!
Help! DH and I were in huge conflict about having a fourth child at the start of this year; he was dead against it but I really ached to do it all one more time. We talked so often, trying so hard to understand each other's perspectives, and eventually agreed that we would TTC only once in Feb and if it didn't happen, I would start contraception until he could get a vasectomy. I have been taking the mini pill and I have an appointment to get the Mirena coil fitted next week. DH recently had surgery so since we haven't been DTD, I stopped taking the pill so I expected a break-through bleed. There have been a few occasions where I have forgotten to take it regularly over the past few months and I've had a bleed a week or so later, so when it didn't happen, I thought I'd be best to take a HPT. They would likely test me before getting the coil fitted anyway. Well, it is a glaring positive!!!
Now, I'm freaking out a bit. I want to be so happy and excited, I had fully resigned myself to never experiencing this joy again. I've even been selling or giving away lots of our baby equipment, which was emotional but I felt like I was really coming to terms with it and was focusing on enjoying all the things we could now do with older children rather than babies. But deep down, no matter how hard I tried to move on, I know this makes me so happy. But I feel very conflicted because DH is going to be gutted. He struggled with our children when they were babies, he didn't bond with them early on and he was so clear that he couldn't face it again. How do I tell him that this has happened? This will not be the happy conversation that it was for our other children, and selfishly I don't want him to ruin this for me, but I feel for him also and I can't stand to upset him. I'm worried he will be angry, and it makes me not want to say anything, although of course I have to. What should I do?!?!
12 Comments • 10 days ago • Edited
I don't even know how I could help you respond. Honestly, It's hard for me to picture a man that would be disappointed with a baby, even if not if the best circumstances. Hopefully he will take this baby being here as destiny? The little being defied the odds, with you being on birth control, and was created for a purpose. Just let him know that this baby is Meant to be... it wasn't meant to be in February, but its meant to be now. I hope his heart is softened and he gladly welcomes the news of your sweet baby!
9 days ago
First, I'd like to say congrats. I've been following you since the beginning when you were trying for your fourth; God works in mysterious ways. I think that deep down that he would be upset and wondering how it was possible (wasn't given the green light that there are no swimmers or the vasectomy failrd) so I would give him time to let it all sink in. Then, when he's ready, both of you should tell the kids and let it sink in. I hope in the end that they will all be happy and enjoy everything one last time.
9 days ago
@millbarnett I feel the same as you, I really thought that a fourth was meant to be so when I didn't conceive earlier in the year I was so confused as well as disappointed, like I was so sure it would happen. No matter what the circumstances, this is a blessing and I just want to be excited. But he's a very stubborn person and this wasn't in his plan. He was never really engaged with any of the pregnancies, like he was supportive but not really interested if you know what I mean. He's a good man and I'm certain he will love this baby, further down the line. But right now, I think it will be stressful. And I hate posting that, when I know so many people struggle to conceive because he takes it for granted how lucky we have been. I don't know, I'm just a ball of nerves about it. Thanks for replying.
9 days ago • Post starter
@dragonfly23 thanks. You're right, he will just need time to let it sink in. I think it's more than just the surprise though but that we'd actually decided and agreed to no more. He actually hasn't had the vasectomy yet, he moved the referral to a different hospital because he was getting a different surgery and they suggested they could do it at the same time, but then decided they couldn't so he is still on a waiting list. I think this has happened because there were a few occasions when I forgot about taking the pill, like I told him I'd forgotten and we used condoms until the pill was effective again but I guess the stopping and starting must have made it less effective. There's probably an aspect of no longer trying as well, I think actively TTC and symptom spotting we can put so much stress on ourselves that it actually makes it harder to conceive. So typical, now I've finally accepted that we're done, turns out we aren't! I'm all over the place right now, I can't tell him until I let it sink in myself! I'm thinking Friday evening when he doesn't have to go to work for a few days so he can just take the time he needs.
9 days ago • Post starter
Omg girly I dont have any advise, but try not to stress out. I know thats not easy but it won't be good for you or the baby. I pray that this little blessing is accepted more than you think it will be. If he tries to turn it on you cause let's face it he might just let him know you wouldn't get rid of the baby stuff nor put your body through the hormones if you were going to do this without his approval things sometimes just happen! I DUNNO hopefully that will help !! for you!!
9 days ago
I feel for you—it must be so confusing to be happy and scared at the same time. Tell him that this is obviously your last and you will be cherishing this baby and do all the work. I know that sounds awful but maybe it will help put him at ease at first. Maybe it stirs up childhood memories for him that were not pleasant or the stress of providing is overwhelming. Whatever the reason just reiterate that you can both handle this. Best of luck.
7 days ago
Edit to Add - I told my husband I'm pregnant, he said he couldn't deal with it and stormed off. He stayed in his garage until well after the kids were all in bed, then came through and asked what I was going to do about it. I said I understood this was hard for him and he's probably angry thinking I've got what I wanted, I was going to say that I've been working hard at adjusting to not having more and I've been feeling good about it so this is a shock to me too and I just want to be able to help him handle it. But he interrupted and basically yelled that I did this so it's on me. I said its not my fault, I didn't choose it and he says its 100% my fault and claims he told me when I went on the pill that he would hold me responsible if it didn't work (not a conversation I remember at all because I would not have agreed with that). I told him to stop talking to me until he's calmed down before he says something he regrets. He agreed and on his way out of the room said he doesn't want it but he never gets a say in anything so itll probably come to him having to leave us.
Nothing in me would consider an abortion, not even for a second. This is my baby, that I was desperate for and that I am already in love with, that I am desperately hoping will keep on growing healthily. So it looks like either I become a single mother of 4, he stays but resents me and the baby, or he stays and tries to see the positives. I mean how can he not love his own child?! He adores the boys we have already. But I can't force him to see it that way. I feel so lost. I should be celebrating and enjoying this experience. After everything we've been through in our relationship, I wonder if this might be as far as we go.
6 days ago • Post starter
Firstly congratulations.So sorry you're having to go through this with your husband.In these situations it's either,he gets what he wants,and doesn't have another baby,or you get what you want,and have another baby.At the end of the day,the pill,isn't 100% and you can still fall pregnant even if you take it every day religiously.If he knew there was a risk you could still fall pregnant on the pill,and he really didn't want a baby,then he should have been more responsible and wore a comdon as well,so regardless of you missing the pill sometimes(which I doubt he knows),it's his responsibility too to make sure you have safe sex,if he is so against having another baby,so it's wrong of him to put all the blame on you.It takes two to baby dance,and create a life,so I'd remind him of that if i was you.And if he was willing to try for a baby in February,whats the difference a few months later.Whats one more baby,when you have three children anyway,and if he didn't bond with your other babies,he could be worried about that with this one.If he wants to walk out on his family over a life you both created,then left him,I'm sure he'll come to his senses and realise he's being a stubborn arse.I wish you all the best.
6 days ago
@sarah3182 thanks. He did know I'd missed some, I was always honest with him if I forgot so he could use a condom or abstain until I was protected again. He's blaming me because I didn't like using condoms and chose to use the pill instead, he's now saying I forced him which is ridiculous since he was obviously quite happy to DTD for several months. He thinks if he'd been using condoms he would have been in control so this wouldn't have happened. There's just as much chance of having an unplanned pregnancy using condoms but it doesn't suit him to admit that right now. I don't know what's going to happen but I've booked an early scan in a week and a half because I've read that there's an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy when you're taking the pill.
5 days ago • Post starter
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