Community post

Unfortunately when you're in this type of scenario, unless one of you really and honestly changes their mind, one person is always going to be unhappy with the decision made. The question then becomes just how unhappy.

I'd suggest if you haven't already, starting with in depth discussion with your partner about why he doesn't want another baby and why you think you might. If his concerns are things that might have a solution, either immediately or in the near future, it may change things after talking. You can present the reasons why you would like another child as well. However, if he is just done, there isn't really arguing with his feelings. The same way if he can't argue with your gut feelings toward wanting one more.

To come back to the question of just how unhappy... you have to ask yourself a few questions. Would I resent my husband and would it create a problem with our marriage if we didn't try for another child? Would I rather have another child then stay married to my husband? Conversely, would my husband resent me and would it create a problem in our marriage if we had another child? Could it end our marriage? And things along those lines. Either way, individual and couple's counseling can be really helpful to work through all the feelings over the end of the window of fertility and to prevent resentment from festering.

And also, things change in life. He could have the surgery and some years from now, you could both decide you want to have another child. He could try a reversal, there is fostering or adoption, there is sperm/egg donation. The decision to not have a child now is potentially reversible, but not the other way around.

Good luck!

Thanks for your detailed reply. We have had counselling in the past and come through some big relationship problems years ago so communicate fairly well, we've talked about it several times because we both want to come to a mutual decision with no one feeling forced into it, but we haven't been getting far. He was initially talking about the challenges of the baby stage and the practical challenges (money, time etc) which to me seem like problems you can plan for and work around. I felt like I'd always regret the child that doesn't exist and wonder what if things had been different, whereas he is a great dad and once we worked out the challenges he would love another child regardless. But eventually he admitted having really struggled emotionally with having babies, not bonding and feeling like he hated them when they were crying during the night. He loves them now of course but is afraid of resenting another child. It's hard for me to hear, but ultimately I've had to come to the conclusion that I can't ask this of him. We have so much to be happy with in our life right now, and I cant risk ruining things. But I had to have the coil removed last week for medical reasons and he's so scared of getting me pregnant its affecting our sex life even though im 10dpo and we are using condoms until he can get a vasectomy. I don't know how I'll feel in the long run, I still have this longing for another that I'm trying to ignore and focus on the wonderful children I already have. I guess I'm choosing my marriage and family today over the hypothetical last child I'd imagined. I'm sure this is the right thing to decide, but it makes me sad so I've not been able to tell my husband yet.