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Yesterday would have been the due date for the chemical pregnancy last May/June. December I'm sure I had another chemical pregnancy as same symptoms as the other times (spotting, weird dreams, weird camps, joint pains all over), but I refused to take a test and make myself miserable. I think there was even another one before that but honestly I cant bare to think about it. And obviously the one last Dec/Jan... December is just the worst month for me that way.

Today my friend had a wonderfully successful 12 week scan which made my ever so anxious for her and on edge where as she was just happy and excited to see her baby which is normal for normal people.

I want this copper coil out of my body as clearly its not working but cant do anything about it during covid. And I bet the waiting times for seeing drs/surgeons since the strings are lost is going to be so long. Also I seem to have a prolapse so I need to see them for that anyway. We even started using condoms for the fertile week, and in Nov/Dec we only had unprotected sex on day 8 and 21, but somehow who knows when I am ovulating as clearly that was not safe enough. So now use condoms every time, so this coil can just get on and get out of my body.

Honestly I feel like my emotions are so riled up by anything related to pregnancy and babies. I really actually dont want any more kids but I surely dont want to keep conceiving and losing them either. Just seems like everything around the whole subject is just so traumatic to me. Like the whole pregnancy subject has given me a low level of PTSD. Seeing pregnant people makes me shudder like its something disgusting, which is not what I believe at all. Its a wonderful beautiful Russian roulette thing.

Because of the prolapse I wonder if they might offer me a hysterectomy, and although I'm sure that will be an awful thing to go through, and people seem to act like it is something to be avoided at all costs, there is a big part of me that feels it would be a blessed relief to escape this never ending trauma. God knows what is best so I will wait to see what the surgeons say and take it from there. My periods have just been worse and worse as well so definitely need something to change.

Just had to sit and have a cry over it all.
And my darling niece to whom I am a stranger to due to covid is almost walking which is an added heartbreak... Those months can never be returned and she will be a toddler and I have missed the whole baby season of her life.

I just reread Anne of Green Gables which also reminds me how much I always wanted someone to adopt me as a child, I never knew at the time that was why I loved the book so much, but I now see she was granted everything I ever wanted in life. A home and love. Although I have those things now you can never go back and tell your childhood self that things will be better for you one day.

I'm a bit of a mess right now and have so much work on but just been avoiding it all for days and instead been reading and messing on my phone and wasting time, which I know I will regret so much when the deadlines roll round and I have to work through the night.

Even to get away from this whole pregnancy subject I tried to get away from this site which I have faithfully logged my periods and all the rest on since 2012 and downloaded another app. But then I come back to this site and put the dates on here too as seems so strange not to after 9 years. So here I am, journaling again this journey of my life.

Edit: I just suddenly remembered years ago someone having a dream of me standing on a plain with my 2 living children with me and a whole bunch of other children around me too that they couldnt see clearly. At the time I assumed it was about maybe one day I will adopt (which I still am open to), but now I'm thinking its all these poor chemical pregnancy babies who didnt even have a chance at life at all, or even to be told I love you in the womb by their parents as I barely even knew they were there, or only realised as I was losing them. Its just too sad.


Remember: 'hurt people hurt people' - dont let those around you be collateral damage of TTC! x

3 Comments • 18 days ago • Edited


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I'm afraid I have nothing to add but just hope that you are doing OK xx

16 days ago


Bless you, sounds like a really tough time. I had a copper coil last year and had it removed in December, I didn't like the fact that you still ovulate normally with it in so the way it works is to make a hostile environment in the womb so if a sperm slips past, a fertilised egg cant implant. It did worry me a bit honestly so I know what you mean. I would ask again about getting it removed, even with covid procedures are still going ahead and it sounds like its important for your mental health at this stage. Maybe consider talking to someone about how you're feeling as well, therapy is very accessible now and can be so useful in helping you process and move past some of those feelings of conflict. All the best

16 days ago


thanks so much DeeDee and BabyBiggles both of you for reaching out, really appreciate it xxxx
Biggles you are right, I did my research and some of the contraceptive pills also have a similar method of acting so I also tried to avoid them, but seemed from the research mostly the copper is toxic to the sperm so I was relying on that to be the main method. But not worked out that way for me for what ever reason, so I wont trust it again. Yes I will definitely go to the GP once the levels have gone down a bit more here. Good news is I felt the strings for the first time so hopefully they can get it out quite easily. xxx


Remember: 'hurt people hurt people' - dont let those around you be collateral damage of TTC! x

15 days ago • Post starter


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