Community post

AGAIN!!!! :-(

Sunday 18th November 2018 - cycle day 50

End of October I had what I thought at the time was a period but it was very light with only one day of actual flow but didn’t really think much on it. Then the next week (Tues 6th Nov) started with some spotting and I NEVER have mid cycle spotting. I was having all sorts of panicked thoughts about illnesses that cause mid-cycle bleeding, and then after 3 days of that I suddenly thought maybe I should just check I'm not pregnant, and as that thought occurred to me I realised my boobs were hurting...
I was at work at the doctors practice so they have some dip stick tests in the cupboard so one of the health carers got some for me, and an hour before the end of my Thursday (8th Nov) shift I couldn't wait any longer so went to pee in a bottle and took the test... my wee was very pale as I had been drinking lots of water that afternoon, and it came up faint positive!!!!!!!!
Straight away I rang the early pregnancy unit (EPU) and explained that I have a copper coil in place and have just had a positive pregnancy test and by my dates I would be about 6 weeks pregnant that weekend, so they booked me in for the next available scan which was Saturday morning.
On that Friday I took another 4(!) pregnancy tests and they were all negative which along with the having had a bit of spotting and no pregnancy symptoms made me fairly resigned to the fact that this was not going to be a successful pregnancy.
From later on the Thursday evening onwards I was having a dull ache on my lower right abdomen so I was freaking out mainly that I would have a repeat of my experience in 2012 with a ruptured ectopic, internal bleeding and emergency surgery. So I was watching out for that pain to get worse but it didn’t.
Saturday appointment arrived and they took some urine from me which I assumed would be another negative but actually they got another faint positive test. Then they did an external and vaginal ultrasound and said they couldn't find any signs of pregnancy, no sac anywhere in uterus or outside, normal ovaries and tubes, and no thickening of the uterus lining. They then gave me a leaflet with the title "pregnancy of unknown location" and said either it was a very early pregnancy (if I got my dates wrong but I have regular cycles), miscarriage (but I have hardly bled) or an ectopic pregnancy that my body has already absorbed over the last week or 2! From looking around the forums this last option seems most likely, especially due to the lack of bleeding.
On that same day the took a blood test and said they would take a second one on Monday to compare the 48hour levels to make sure it was dropping. Bearing in mind that this blood was taken within an hour or 2 of the positive urine test I was pretty surprised when they rang me the next day with the results saying that the hcg level was less than 5. So they said the pregnancy is definitely gone and I don't need to come for another blood test, but just take another urine test and ring them to confirm it is negative, which it was so I let them know so I was discharged from their care.
Honestly I don't even know what to think or how to feel, I was not planning to have any more babies but at the same time to know that I conceived a new little person who grew in me and then faded away before I even knew it was there makes me feel so sad. I am a firm believer to speaking to babies in the womb with your heart and I'm sad I never even got to say I love you to this one as I'm fairly sure by the evidence that she had died before I took that first pregnancy test. For reasons I cant explain I feel certain it was a girl and separately my husband also thought the same.
First couple of days I was quite emotional, but since then more just had a little sadness in my heart but to be honest have been so busy don't even really feel like I have processed it. A big part of my emotion is relief that I don't have to have surgery and its not a major drama as I hate people fussing over me, I prefer to just work things out in my own head. I also feel a bit bad as I remember reading people online saying that they were glad a pregnancy didn’t work out when they had not wanted to be pregnant and thinking how can they be so hard hearted, but actually that was me massively judging without ever having been in their shoes, and now the shoe is on the other foot.
So to the recovery: I still have this ache on my right lower abdomen, but from reading forums it seems like some people had this for some time after expectant management of an ectopic pregnancy. Weirdly normally my first pregnancy symptom before I even miss my period is extreme tiredness which I didn't have this time until this week... 4 days after the blood test showing my hcg had dropped to negative then I started having that crazy level of tiredness, where literally I cannot even get the strength to get off the sofa and go to bed! Also my boobs are still a little sore. And I am SO bloated, until this happened I was almost the thinnest I have ever been with a 24.8% body fat and a flat stomach. Right now I’m sat here with a big gut hanging out over the top of my laptop that is on my knee! It is weird and it’s making me feel really awkward and like I look pregnant which is just adding to the upset. The other thing is that my brain is just not working properly, today about 10 times I have walked into a room and forgotten why I am there, its probably just stress but its really aggravating.
The other thing that is a big question mark is whether I can still rely on the copper coil: they said it was correctly positioned according to the scan, and then I went to see my GP this week and she said as far as she is concerned it has been effective for the last 2.5 years and will continue to be so, but nothing it 100%, ... rest in comments as ran out of space...

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