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Ectopic but no BFP?!?

Monday 7th January 2019

I am totally bamboozled on so many levels. As outlined in my last post, I have the copper coil, I was spotting midcycle in November which has only ever happened to me once before in my life and that was in 2012 when I had the ectopic. So in November I took a pregnancy test and it was faintly positive, followed by negatives, and negative scans so deemed as a pregnancy of unknown location, but because of the lack of bleeding and the coil they said probably ectopic that my body has managed itself. After being reassured my coil is in the right place and is still reliable husband and I resumed normal activities! Then a few days before Christmas had my period, again a bit lighter and shorter but not by very much so didn't think... and again come cycle day 10 started to have some very light spotting!!! I have since taken 4 tests on different days and all been negative, but I'm still left wondering if its the same as last time and I just missed testing when the levels were high enough to show up before dropping and if so that means I have had another ectopic/miscarriage?! Same as in November I have had a dull ache on my lower right abdomen (where my one remaining fallopian tube is). It was actually quite bad for about an hour last week and I was getting to the point of considering going to hospital but then it eased off again. But I still have that ache on the left. The other thing this month is on and off since the spotting at day 10 and 11 I am having cramps like period pains, I keep expecting to find more spotting or bleeding but nothing is there.
The other weird thing is I feel a bit like I did when I was pregnant with my 2 kids and as I also did in November: sore boobs and feeling fuller, vivid dreams, sore back, bloated out belly, and just this feeling of expectancy that is hard to describe! But still no BFP and no certainty if Ive even been pregnant this month.
I'm very pro-life and even though we are not TTC, any little life conceived within me I count as very precious and would always give that baby a name and look forward to meeting them one day! So it feels very weird not knowing this month for sure one way or another.
But despite all these ups and downs and reawakening the sadness I feel about our decision not to plan any more babies, I STILL feel the same way: that pregnancy is a chapter of my life I want to leave behind, and what makes me feel excited is the plan of having an amazing life with my children and husband, and working on my studies and career!
I would really like my husband to have the snip but it just seems like such a huge decision, and I'm only 32, so in 5 years I might still change my mind and be young enough to go again and then would really regret asking him to have the snip.... but in the mean time I really don't want to go back on hormones as it makes me feel down, and I cant imagine using condoms every time, and don't think I can rely on this coil any more! So now I feel a bit stuck!
Emotionally now I'm feeling okay I think, was a bit up and down after what happened in November, and haven't really had chance to really cry about it so feel like next time I watch a sad movie or anything I'm gonna have a lot of tears queued up ready to jump out lol! I think I feel like how come I feel so sad about something I didn't actually want, but I read something on a forum describing a baby as "unplanned but much loved" ... and that is the truth of how I feel! If I was to have a pregnancy now that went to term and had a new member of the family that would be amazing, and so excited to see another little personality developing and adding to our family dynamic... but STILL that is not the path that I am choosing but yet I am grieving it...
NO wonder I just write my thoughts and feelings down on this journal as its totally bananas!
Love to you all and baby dust for those ttc xxx


Remember: 'hurt people hurt people' - dont let those around you be collateral damage of TTC! x

7 Comments • 5 years ago • Edited


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1 - 7 of 7 Comments


What an eloquently written post.
I would grieve any life conceived even if it was not planned. That is totally normal in my book.
I'm sorry that you are having this experience and I wish I had words of wisdom but just know that you always have this community behind you!

5 years ago


Thanks E, I appreciate your comment.
Just had a look at your page and see your recent CP, how are you feeling about it?
Praying you get your BFP soon xxx


Remember: 'hurt people hurt people' - dont let those around you be collateral damage of TTC! x

5 years ago • Post starter


Thank you! I'm 6dpo now :)

To be honest the further I get from the chemical with out getting pregnant is making me upset. I was so excited when I saw that positive and I'm still grieving that loss. But this was my first 'normal' 14 day ovulation since the loss so I am hopeful!

5 years ago


I'm so sorry to hear this. I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2015. I'm Ttc right now I'm 5dpo. Emotions are everywhere. Praying for you hun

5 years ago


TTC is such an emotional journey and each month has such ups and downs!
For what its worth (and so you don't have to go back and read all my millions of journal entries from 2012!) it took us 7 months to conceive first time which ended in ectopic and losing one tube, then 7 months later conceived and have a daughter who is now in school, then when she was little I was diagnosed with probably endometriosis so I was expecting an even harder journey second time.... started trying just after my daughter turned 1 and conceived on the second month... and that is my son who is soon to start nursery! And then this recent ectopic (or 2) has been a shock as we are using contraception! Once your kids are here and you can look back on the whole TTC journey it all becomes a bit of a blur and how emotional and stressful it is is one of my reasons for deciding to stop at my 2 amazing kids! Praying for you guys and thanks so much for the support! xxxx


Remember: 'hurt people hurt people' - dont let those around you be collateral damage of TTC! x

5 years ago • Post starter


Congratulations on your two children! Those are wonderful ages!
Every journey to a baby is so different and it wonderful to hear and have support from so many women

5 years ago


Thanks E, they are lovely and I appreciate them every day :-)
I really believe each part of the journey happens for a reason, so many weird things for me, like I ovulated on the first pregnancy due date and that cycle we conceived my daughter, and her birthdate is 2 years to the day from when we first started trying. Keep trusting that there is meaning and that God does have a plan to bless you! xxx


Remember: 'hurt people hurt people' - dont let those around you be collateral damage of TTC! x

5 years ago • Post starter


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