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Journal

2020 'with or without'

13 January 2020

I just cannot believe I am back here writing again. Ectopic in left in 2012 and lost tube, kids born 2014 and 2016, copper coil inserted 2016, pregnancy of unknown location/ectopic 2018 managed at home.

To start from the beginning: I definitely have a copper coil in place (it was checked by ultrasound just a few months ago because the strings could not be seen on my smear test).
Luteal phase symptoms: weeing non stop, eating weird food combinations (like banana and marmite on toast), vivid dreams, including one about being pregnant, and in the dream I think there was a message that said something like don't tell anyone, this one is just for you and your husband, with the feeling of it is ours to grieve maybe!?
Started spotting 28th or 29th December and was expecting my period to arrive within a day or so like usual, but I remember being surprised that the spotting was just not turning into a period. Then on the night of the 30th I had some mild cramps and when I woke in the morning (the 31st) the flow was a bit heavier so put in a tampon expecting that my period had arrived, but it was still not full flow that day, and then tapered back down to spotting for another could of days and stopped. Had a little ache in my right side for half an hour but went away quickly and just put it down to IBS.

Took a pregnancy test on the 2nd which was negative and put it out of my mind.

Then Wednesday the 8th I felt like my boobs were still sore and still having some vivid dreams, and the ache in my side was back so a question mark was raised in my mind again. Thursday woke up and took a test and it was the faintest positive, like I kept thinking maybe it’s an evaporation line, but then looking over and over again and thinking no I think it is a faint positive but not totally sure. Didn't tell my husband but went to work and as the day went on the pain in my right side was getting worse and worse.

I rang the EPU expecting they would give me a scan appointment for a few days time as they did in 2018, but this time they said come straight down and bring a urine sample. Had to tell my managers what was going on and text my husband to pick me up.

When I got into the car I told my husband what happened and he said that earlier in the morning before I text him God had told him I was pregnant and the boy's name was Eliyahu. To give context God also told us name and gender of the baby we lost in 2012 and 2018 so did not take this to mean anything other than what we were already thinking. Weirdly I had never heard of that name before until that very morning when a patient came in with that name and I asked him about it and he said it is the Hebrew version of Elijah and no one can ever pronounce it.

When we got to the EPU we were sitting waiting for a couple of hours and then a male gynaecologist came and saw us and you could just see on his face he was sceptical about the whole situation. He examined me and took some internal swabs for STIs and BV.

Then he sat down with us and said my urine sample that I brought in was giving negative tests, so as far as he was concerned I am not pregnant and he is not scanning me and there is no chance I am having an ectopic. He also said maybe I had some faulty tests and that when I came last time he saw that the blood test they took was negative so maybe I was never pregnant and it was all just the faulty tests I had. I pointed out that I had a positive urine test in the EPU last time as well. And he said well maybe they had a faulty test too as the hormone levels cannot fall that fast to have a positive urine and negative blood result in the same day.
He wasn’t rude in how he spoke but his face was so sceptical and really annoyed me. He just said go home, take another test in 7 days and then if that is positive or if the pain gets worse then give us a call. But he said he does not expect it to be positive. He said these days people are so quick to take pregnancy tests that they are getting sad about these brief chemical pregnancies that were gone before they were barely there, and in the past no one would have even thought about a pregnancy test until a lot later which was obviously better in his opinion.
Came away from that experience just thinking okay it was a chemical pregnancy or briefly ectopic but my body resolved it, and I know myself well enough to know that the reality of this will hit me at some point over the next few days and weeks. My main emotion was being so grateful to God that He had spoken to my husband, otherwise I would have just been left feeling like an idiot from that doctor.
The ache in my right side has been reducing and then I found out I had accidentally eaten something with egg in it which always gives me really bad IBS pains so probably that is where the pain came from.
This was all on Thursday and Friday I had a big day with my end of first year viva at uni so wasn’t going to process anything emotionally that day. Saturday I started to feel a bit sad and emotional but spent time with my kids and wider family and was fine.
Context: I have ongoing joint pain over my whole body that the dr thinks is tendonitis triggered by my first full term pregnancy in 2014 that has never settled.
BUT usually the pain is very manageable but Saturday my hips and knees were really hurting, badly enough that I didn’t sleep well that night. Then Sunday I was in agony, couldn’t even stand for full songs in church. And that type of pain where I am struggling to have a conversation as just want to be left alone. Also I started feeling that background type of car-sick queasy that I have in pregnancy. At the end of church my sisters husband said about 5 weeks ago he had a dream that I was pregnant at the same time as my sister (who is about 6 months along now) and saw me with a bump in the dream.
ran out of space so the rest is in the comments....


Remember: 'hurt people hurt people' - dont let those around you be collateral damage of TTC! x

1 Comment • 9 months ago • Edited


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... Monday now, took another test but I think it is negative, or maybe very very faintly positive. My husband said oh its negative but you can see where the positive line would have been…. I was like doesn’t that mean it is positive… but he doesn’t think so and I am really unsure.
Anyway I have called in sick to work as just feel really overwhelmed, confused, achey, queasy oh and did I mention CONFUSED!!!
Not only do I not know if I am pregnant, I don’t know if I have passed the first year of my uni course, and I have also applied for my dream job and waiting to hear if I will get an interview for that!! It is a lot of uncertainty! At new years I thought 2020 will be a big year for me but didn’t know the first few weeks were going to be where it started! I have also been praying and trying to maintain an attitude of “with or without anything God gives me I want to be close to Him”. Well this is surely an unknown “with or without” moment!
xxx


Remember: 'hurt people hurt people' - dont let those around you be collateral damage of TTC! x

9 months ago • Post starter


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