Community post

Feeling inspired to add my own TTC journey

I've been kicking the idea of writing an entry for a week or so and said wtf, if anything at least I can get things off my chest to anyone willing to listen. I never write because my TTC doesn't (at least thus now) involve infertility...in fact for all 6 (2 MC) it was accidental or first try and so I've felt I should keep my mouth shut. I have 4 kids and some here probably think I have no place to talk here about my TTC if I'm so "lucky" or blessed for which I'm truly blessed and happy. But I want to have more and feel so guilty for it and don't know if we should. My third was just diagnosed with Autism and I'm already seeing signs of it in my 8 month old. I was faithful that all of the things we'd done was going to prevent it. I eat, sleep, breathe autism and kept myself in this bubble or cage thinking if I inhale one toxin this kid is fucked. Now I know that we can't conquer the genetics part of this but maybe it's helped the severity, Idk. I'm so gutted. I don't know what it's like to have a normal kid and I'm trying so hard not to be bitter or wonder what my "mommy" purpose is. This is my only job and we don't and can't get out often due to our kid's issues. So I can't do the mommy things that others get to do and I feel cheated and I'm trying not to.

My brother is expecting his first (IVF) baby and I find myself envious of their untainted dreams, how "special" it is for them (first time parents lol). Meanwhile I tell the store lady at the vitamin store of my son being diagnosed and she looks at me like a disease and why would I reproduce, who will care for them when I'm dead? (Ignorant of autism SPECTRUM). It's not like all of them are severe except my oldest but what does she know.

I just can't believe not one of our kids came out without this shit and I can't believe that through all of my husband and my pain, we want more before it's too late. I don't know but I don't know if we should. My kids are happy, my husband and I couldn't be more in love despite the hand we've been dealt, but is it right? I hold on to any bit of hope each time, and each time I see my kid is different and falling behind, throwing fits, not communicating correctly for their age, and then my favorite, hand stimming and weird noises, ugh. With my 2nd it has gotten better with age and don't really see the it much but my 3 year old now is doing it, and it kills me inside. Let me just say for the record...1st kid, 4th kid, it doesn't place any less value on someone's feelings and love for that kid no matter how long they've tried for one. Someone in my shoes, experiences this TTC heartbreak differently.

After my first two we did the hippie thing and even waited for vaccinations for my third because you'll try anything to avoid Autism again. I watched my oldest slip away until one day I just held him crying asking where my baby went. So yeah, I'm the "irresponsible" parent who'd do all that to hope my baby would not get it again. Not because I think it causes it but in case it contributed.

So here I am...wondering what we will do or if we should. Currently 8months PP with no PPAF until 14 months usually but hubby and I are soul searching this. right now just grieving for what's happened.

I stalk so many here too but always stay silent on JE because of my weird, almost embarrassing situation. So baby dust to you all, I pray for all those here trying.

5 Comments • 6 years ago

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