Community post
Gift ideas for a friend unable to conceive & moving to adoption
I'm not sure if this is a stretch for CTP or not, but the group of women on here has been the most helpful to me in my very long and emotional journey of having children so I thought it would be a good group to talk this through with.
My dear friend has been trying to start a family going on 3 years now. They've done all the testing and were on the IVF road due to egg quality issues. They did two rounds of IVF - the first resulted in a pregnancy that she miscarried at 6 weeks and the last resulted in a BFN. They are devastated. Due to the major concerns with her egg quality and the fact that IVF isn't exactly inexpensive, they are now planning to move on to adoption. I know this wasn't an easy decision for them and I also know getting the lab result back last Friday hearing you are NOT pregnant before the start of a holiday weekend had to be absolutely terrible. I want to do something for them, but I have no idea what. I have been through a lot of pregnancy loss myself, but this seems much different.
Has anyone here been in this place? Where they are no longer pursuing TTC on their own and going the route of adoption? Or do you know someone that has been at this same fork in the road? What would be a nice thing to do for them? I have considered buying them a lilac bush, as that is her favorite flower and it also looks like lilacs symbolize love.
Gift certificate for dinner? couples massage? Invitation to do something as couples they'd enjoy like a cooking class? I just don't know. I also feel incredibly awkward because I am pregnant. Pregnancy is extremely difficult for me due to my long history of miscarriage and she is very understanding about that... but I still feel guilty. I want to be there for her, for both of them... but I just don't know HOW.
Any advice is welcomed. Thank you!
7 Comments • 7 years ago
0
Pregnancy test calculator
Use this calculator to help you decide when to take your first home pregnancy test.
Comments
You are so sweet to be so sensitive to your friends hard times right now. I know it's not the same since I have kids but recently trying to decide to stop ttc and adopt is something we considered as well. It's a rough fork in the road like you said. Nothing speaks love to me more than something that will last a long time. I think your idea of a lilac bush is beautiful and meaningful! To plant something today is to hope for tomorrow. Maybe she could see it like that to?
7 years ago
Aug 2012 10dpo 
10 weeks little boy Trisomy 16
IVF November 2013 6 eggs collected, 5 Fertilized normally, Transferred 1 beautiful compacting 3 day morula, froze 4...
Speaking from experience, the best thing you can offer your friend is to be supportive and to let her know how excited you are that they will be building their family. A wonderful thing to do would be to offer to write them a reference - they will likely need at least a few. Once we started sharing our adoption plans, it is unfortunate, but many people seem disappointed or weirded out. People can make ignorant or inappropriate comments, or they may even try to inquire as to why we stopped trying. One of the best responses we ever had someone at the post office, who pregnant herself, said simply: "A baby - how exciting!" My own parents' reaction was very muted, although they are of course excited to be grandparents. In short, my advice would be not to treat it like a sad event, but as an exciting new beginning. And of course, to learn about the adoption process...do some research so you know what she will be going through and can discuss the process with her knowledgeab
7 years ago
...knowledgeably. Also just wanted to say that you are an amazing friend for caring so much about her well being. Once they're a little more settled in (maybe after the home study approval when they are parents in waiting), and you start thinking about getting them some baby items, some thoughtful ideas may be a life book (here is the link to the one I bought, or if you are a scrapbooker you could offer to help her make one)
http://www.amazon.com/My-Family-Journey-Adoptive-Families/dp/0811857379/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1465229316&sr=8-11&keywords=lifebook
and possibly some adoption books (a few of the ones I'm registered for are "A Mother for Choco" and "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born". Every adoptive parent is asked by their social worker how they will start teaching their child of their adoption, and it is a daunting task. These are some of the tools to help with that process and (I think) show a deep level of understanding about the
7 years ago
Remembered one more thing - sorry to hog up your comments section! While they are still in the mourning stage (which it sounds like they may be), something simple like a handmade card expressing your solidarity could be nice. It sounds stupid but it means more than you know. One of my friends did this after my second pregnancy loss. It was just a simple post card she crafted and sent to me and it made me cry. I don't remember exactly what it said, but something like she was thinking of me, wanted me to know she loved me and hated that I had to go through this, that she knew we would find our way through this and would be amazing parents some day. It meant the world to me. :)
7 years ago
Early pregnancy symptoms by day past ovulation
What signs and symptoms are most common on each day past ovulation?
More Journal posts
