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Birth Control Failure resulting in a BFP
It's been a while since I've written and the title of this journal is pretty much the last thing that I ever expected... I know I should be super happy about a BFP, as I know there are SO many ladies here that would do anything to see two lines. I get it. I was there. But this is NOT what we planned and I am scared shitless right now and don't know what to do. Before anyone gets bent out of shape or doesn't know my history, hear me out.
My pregnancies are NOT easy. My immune system is F'ing nuts and treats pregnancies like they would a virus and attacks them until it wins the battle. This has resulted in 6 miscarriages. I did find an amazing reproductive immunologist that has given me my 2 beautiful rainbow babies, but it still isn't easy for me. I take a boatload of meds. I swallow them, apply patches, inject them in my butt and my stomach... and get hooked up to an IV for 6 hours each WEEK. I get blood drawn ALL the time, have ultrasounds ALL the time and am continually stressed that I will go in and find out my baby no longer has a heartbeat... because, for me and women like me... it's a very common reality. I have had one miscarriage while on an immune protocol and it put me in a very bad place.
So here I sit with a BFP. With lines quite dark... lines I would have killed to see when I was trying to get pregnant. I don't even know if it is worth it to try and start my immune meds or not? Previously I had to start them way before pregnancy for it to lead to success. I am super scared. Scared to be stressed out all the time, scared that I am not going to be present for my two children, scared of course of a miscarriage, and scared of the financial implications. My infusions run approximately 15K for each one and I was beyond blessed that my insurance covered them with my kids. BUT I no longer work for the same company and don't have that insurance.... it can be extremely difficult to get coverage for these infusions... most people don't' get them covered. And we definitely cannot afford 15K each WEEK. If only we had that much extra cash sitting around.
But I feel like a terrible, horrible person if I just do nothing. I am assuming this will eventually lead to a miscarriage. Will I have regrets? How do I know? Has anyone been in this situation? I realize my exact situation my be a stretch. But what about finding out you are pregnant when you were absolutely NOT planning on it and had actually thought you were done having pregnancies? I got rid of all my maternity clothes and everything that is how sure I was that there would be no more babies occupying my uterus because of how hard it is for me to be pregnant.
I am going to stop rambling. I hope you don't think I am a terrible person. I am basically scared shitless right now.
6 Comments • 5 years ago
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Comments
I don't think any normal person could afford that kind of money. I don't think you should feel horrible whatsoever with whatever you decide . You are raising 2 children and have to focus on them. Can you be ok with just leaving this pregnancy in the hands of fate? Nature? God? There is always a possibility that you could spend tens of thousands of dollars on a pregnancy that you don't even know will progress? I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I know that you and your husband will make the best decision for your family...
5 years ago
Aww, Erica, I'm sorry ur having to go through this. I don't think ur a terrible person for feeling the way u do. Only u know how hard all of this is on u, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. U are entitled to feel the way u do becuz YOU are the one who has to go through all of it. Don't even worry about what anyone else thinks, u have enough on ur plate.
I can't tell u what u should do, I've never been in this situation. I can tell u to make the decision u can live with, without regrets. At the end of it all, everyone will get past this faster than u will, so u gotta put u first. Don't feel bad about making a decision that the majority may not agree with. They aren't u and they aren't in ur situation.
I wish u the best of luck! This can't be easy, but know that u can still vent about it on here. Ur not alone!! *hugs*
5 years ago
No i do not think you are a terrible person. i have certainly followed your journey from the very beginning . So i can say i have read about your journey to be a mom to 2. Do what is right for your family, for you......... talk to your husband and take it up with your family doctor. i can just imagine the dilemma you are facing. I do not want to be you right now because there is just no right answer. Take a decision you can live with. hugs
5 years ago
Hope I don’t offend....you have to do what’s right for you, but even my hubby suggested finding some charities or what not that could maybe help out in your circumstance should you decide to look into the meds again. I don’t know the full involvement in it, just a suggestion. Sometimes I feel if there is a will there is a way and I’m thinking there could be groups out there willing to help. Sorry for what you’re going through xo hope you find peace wherever you end up
5 years ago
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