Community post

A look into my head right now

Jealousy overwhelms me. I hate it tears fill my eyes while I hold them back from falling, my throat hurts to scream but I hold it back from crumbling my strength. I try my hardest to not be weak. My heart hurts with longing to be stable and a mother with no worrys. Not just because I lost everything but because  I want it all back. It might not be the same but it will fill my soul with well being, strength, love, warmth, and contentness. I want my little boy or girl to care for, to be strong for, to feel like I am a reason. I turned 18 today and my longing for everything I lost keeps reminding me. My body trembles with thoughts. A whirl pool of sadness, I lost the image of my dreams. I no longer hope. I no longer try, I no longer care. I feel like I am alone and my storm isn't passing. Where's the rainbow? Whats  all the effort paying for? I feel like I'm disconnected from god, as if he doesn't hear my crys or god forbid doesn't care.  I love god, I believe in god, and I understand my plans are foolish to him because he makes all the plans. I know I'm too young to be a mother and that it is selfish but longing to be a mother has always overwhelmed me. I want the beautiful life. I'm not very pacient and I'm very weak to hold on. But I do wish for a little hope, a little faith, a little bit of strength to hold out in this storm. It feels like there's no options. I want god To carry me. I feel guilt. Because I am suppose to be stronger, right? I just need to be happy. I need to feel a reason to my living. I should be happy with just being blessed to be alive but, self sympathy is getting to me. I see everyone happy and being so broken makes me brake and shatter even more to the core. I want to release this pain, I want to enjoy what I already have. 

3 Comments • 11 years ago

0 0 0 0