Secondary Infertility - Aged 35.
<-- These are the faces I make each time I get a and each time ugly AF shows up. I watch people come and go, getting their BFP's, yet I am still waiting. It's been 29 long cycles, I am now on my 30th cycle. My partner is desperate for his own baby and I feel like every month I am letting him down.
I am a YouTuber, and in one of our live pregnancy test videos, he literally cried so hard. I hate seeing what this is doing to him, I hate not being able to do the only thing my body could do - only a few years ago.
I am going to be using this as a journal to blog my emotions, my symptoms and god willing, my very own
Thank you for reading. Looking for cycle buddies!
I have started a blog - www.waitingimpatientlyforourblessing.blogspot.com
Cycle 30 - BFN
Cycle 31 - Currently 1DPO
Cycle 32 (Letrozole & Trigger) - ?
92 Comments • 8 months ago • Edited
I am in a bad way.
The good news is that my FSH & LH levels are normal, I do not have PCOS.
The bad news is that I am Stage 2 with Chronic Kidney Disease.
So, I found out today that I have Stage 2 CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease).
As some of you will know, I had blood tests on the 2nd November and again on the 2nd December 2020.
The good news is that my FSH came back as 6.5iu/L (Anything under 10 is considered normal) and my LH level came back at 8.7iu/L. (2.5-10.2 = Follicular Phase. 1.5-9.1 = Luteal phase). So this either means I was in the follicular phase, or the luteal - we shall never know).
Both results came back that I am Stage 2 with Chronic Kidney Disease.
I joined the group on social media over a week ago 'just in case', and I am glad I did.
On the blood results they do something called eGFR - this IS something that can and will effect my fertility.
''It is now well-established that both men and women with chronic kidney disease (CKD) have significant fertility and hormonal deficits associated with uremia, chronic inflammation, and changes in reproductive hormone levels.''
''Women with kidney failure are usually advised against becoming pregnant. The rate of complications is very high. Risks to both the mother and developing baby are high.''
I am feeling a lot at the moment, I don't even know how to break this news to my fiancé. He knows that I have Stage 2 CKD as I was reading the results in the car on the way home.
I don't know what to do now, apart from wait 6 months for a repeat blood test. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that we may not get a baby.
I feel even more broken than my last cycle - and that's definitely saying something.
I'm sorry I just copied and pasted most of that from my blog. I am broken.
5 months ago • Post starter
I absolutely don't want to curse myself - but I think I may have just got my BFP!
I only have another test (like this) and a digital (without weeks estimator). I'm going to try and get some pink dyes tomorrow. I did an IC first and swore I saw a more convincing line than last cycle, so decided 'what the hell' and did this CB.
We have never had a line like this before on these and I am fully aware it's a blue dye and it could be an evap, yada yada yada.
I swear to almighty God - If this is just a cruel evap I am going to cry all over Christmas.
Fingers crossed this is it for us. God knows we've been trying for so long.
This is exactly what happened with my last child, TTC for 2 years - gave up - that cycle fell pregnant.
Has history repeated itself? I guess time will tell.
As I did not track, I am unsure of my DPO. All I know is that I have constipation and a bit annoyed I bought 4 packs of pads earlier, in anticipation of AF - but hopefully - I won't need them.
5 months ago • Post starter
I am super convinced I am pregnant.
I am now out of tests, bar cheap, shitty IC. I'm finally up and FMU is done, with no tests.
My SMU always works so much better for me.
We're running off to pick up as many Answer Tests as we can afford, and Clearblue Digital with Weeks estimator.
I'm pretty confident the CB digital will be positive today.
I've still got absolutely no idea how many DPO I am as we were NTNP, I didn't do any OPK's or any BBT's.
What a perfect Christmas Miracle. We are nervous, we will watch progression, but we are over the moon.
5 months ago • Post starter
CD7 - The bleeding has come to an end.
Firstly - this is one of the heaviest miscarriages I've had. I think it was CD5 I was extremely weak and nearing closer to hospital admission for how much blood I'd lost and the fact I don't have that blood spare to lose. I am extremely and severely chronically anaemic. My level was only a 6!
So, CD5 I mostly spent in bed. As soon as I sat up I was so dizzy I actually thought I'd pass out.
CD6 I felt a bit better, the bleeding has now almost stopped, but the damage is already done to my blood count. I managed a bath. Bleeding has now stopped. We decide to BD. Immediately after I cry. ????????
I was thinking about how we lost Luca and how we're trying all over again now.
It has motivated me though to improve my iron count, these tablets are clearly not helping much and whilst I am now taking Vitamin C (Orange Juice) after each tablet to help my body naturally absorb the iron, I am now trying to eat things to help improve things.
Lewis bought me some fresh spinach (the day after I'd bought frozen spinach!) to help. I managed to eat some last night and yuck! People actually eat this? Fresh?!
I later found out that there is more iron in the frozen spinach!
Lewis found it rather amusing, watching me eat someones garden. ????
I am a vegetarian so I can't just eat a big red, juicy steak. ????????
We have our last order prior to Christmas being collected in about an hour. We shut the business for two weeks over Christmas, starting Monday. Considering Sunday is a day off for us - we are not expecting any more orders this side of Christmas.
Back to TTC (again). I am trying everything I can to increase my iron levels as I almost positive that's what caused the miscarriage. I have been speaking to a friend about the situation and she reminded me that in 2015 I received a positive diagnosis for the blood clotting disorder, APS.
Again, this could equally contribute to the miscarriage, more so. I need the doctors to repeat this test. The fertility specialist I was under then was such a horrible person. The first time I saw her she said 'Miscarriages are just one of those things, it's natures selection. I will do a blood test but I am 99% certain it will come back okay and there is no reason for it other than natures selection' The way she kept repeating herself made me feel violently sick.
Guess what? That test came back + for APS.
She didn't like the fact she was wrong and you could see it . hear it in her voice.
So, she said a positive diagnosis is ONLY diagnosed by two different positive tests, sure enough I agreed.
When I had the next test I found out a few days later that I was actually 3 weeks pregnant at the time of the test. This second test also came back positive. It was brushed under the carpet as 'pregnancy obscures the results and always brings back a positive'.
That's how it was left 5 years ago. I only know because I was watching a program we have over in the UK called This Morning and they were talking about APS (Hughes Syndrome) and how fibromyalgia is sometimes diagnosed instead and that the symptoms match fibromyalgia, bar the blood test. I matched a lot of the symptoms - so asked for a referral to a fertility specialist, to have the test.
All I know is recurrent sores / holes in my body like this one above is NOT normal.
As for where my BBT has started - very low.
I'm trying my best to deal with the miscarriage as best I can. It's now my 13th miscarriage. I think, truth be told I am still in SHOCK I fell pregnant, let alone miscarried again.
To have such clear tests and then nothing but blood, pain, cramps and loss. It is absolutely heartbreaking. I have made Luca a little frame but that's all I can do. No ultrasound photos of him, No proof he actually existed which hurts the most.
In many ways, I feel like I am in my own little world. I keep focusing on the 'what if's' and 'what did I do wrong'. This pain and heartbreak is deep seated within my mind set. I'll be completely honest, on Sunday 13th December when I woke up to wipe blood - I had a complete melt down.
I locked myself in the bathroom ready to give it all up, give up on life altogether. I am battling my mental health as best as I can but sometimes things slip. This was one of those sad moments where I believed I have nothing to live for.
I haven't self harmed since I was in secondary school, but I felt an overwhelming sense of calm when I thought about self harming. Lewis did his job, he got me pregnant - it was my body that lost our baby. My body failed our baby, therefore I need punishment, I deserve this pain.
Very calmly, with a deep breath, I picked up my hand and hit my left arm repeatedly. A few hits later and I slumped over and cried some more. I cried until another wave of calm came over me. I'd already asked for help and gave Lewis the scissors I'd held in my hands through the bathroom door. I knew what I was about to do was so wrong, I told him to hide everything. He did.
But this new calm came over me like a breath of fresh air, I noticed the nail clippers - it's all we had sharp in the bathroom.
Luckily, I could only scratch upon the surface. If I have learned anything though, it's that for a woman I actually have a good, strong punch.
I will continue to battle these demons in silence, no good has ever come from seeking help for poor mental health. This I know from bitter experience.
5 months ago • Post starter
I’ve been catching up on posts. I took a break around the holidays from social media - just too much going on.
I am so sorry that I was not around for all of your recents posts. I was heartbroken to hear of your loss. There are no words to describe the agony of a miscarriage as I know all too well. It’s easy to blame ourselves when our partners have done their job, but we feel that we fail to live up to our part. It’s easy to go down that path, but without knowing with 100% why it happened (although we can make educated guesses), we shouldn’t bear that responsibility.
The sign that you made was beautiful. I love the name that you picked out. A tribute like that is a wonderful way to remember.
I always wonder what the babies the didn’t make it would have been like. It was this time last year the last time I was pregnant, but lost that baby.
How are you feeling otherwise? Even though it’s not great news, you now have some answers as to why it might be difficult for you to become/remain pregnant. Is there anything that they can do for you for the Kidney disease that would allow you to have a successful pregnancy?
4 months ago
Hi Anglys19, Hope the break did you good?
I'm feeling okay thank you, I am still emotionally upset but that takes time to recover from, I see pregnancy announcements on social media and feel 'that should be me!'.
I'm 9DPO (technically 10 now as it's past midnight) and a few hours earlier -- I think I've got a BFP.
IC strip and a CB Early both have lines! I'll post some photos. Also, my BBT looks triphasic. :)
4 months ago • Post starter
More Journal posts