Community post

Journal

RockerMama

I forgot...

Even though we haven’t been preventing for 6 years, I never honestly expected to get pregnant on my own. The plan has always been to eventually go to the fertility doc. I did kind of think we’d go a few years before this but between job changes, exciting hoopla, and some rough times with my dad’s cancer, I was fine to wait. It wasn’t that I didn’t want another baby. But at only 33 now, I knew I had time. And more importantly, I knew number 4 would be our last. I didn’t want to rush having 3 and 4 close together because I wanted to be able to enjoy all the phases and stages. It’s like starting over, but in a really fun way.

Last month’s positive made me realize how ready I am. It also raised my hopes that if it happened once, maybe it could happen again—though with stickier little bean results, of course.

I’ve tested a ton over the last 6 years. Right around CD 35-40, I’d test and then when it was negative, I’d toss it in the garbage and wait for the menstrual fairy to absolutely destroy the baby room it made in my uterus(noting just in case, I do realize there is no menstrual fairy... clearly it’s a elf, they’re the ones who make things). That was it. Because I know my cycles are nuts and unpredictable.

These are my last year of cycle lengths from Dec-now: 46, 29, 27, 26, 21, 24, 76, 38, 23, 37(ending in chemical pregnancy), and currently on CD 34.

My app says I’m supposed to start tomorrow, but I get the feeling at this point the app is just shrugging and shooting a dart at the calendar.

But this month is different because last month gave me hope. And I forgot what that was like. I forgot what it was like to twist and turn the pregnancy test, searching until I develop line eye. I forgot what it was like to notice every twinge and twitch. To google if something is a symptom. To obsess and then obsess with trying not to obsess because I know damn well that obsessing won’t magically make something happen.

I forgot.

But, in the spirit of documenting, I was nauseous last night. I am always up until the middle of the night, and when I was trying to sleep, I just felt sick. A weird deep burp woke me up a little while later. I’m a garbage person, lol. I didn’t feel great when I woke up this AM either, but between my usual temperamental stomach and the psychosomatic aspect, I’m not taking it as a sign of much.