Community post

Welp, summer break is here again. For those who do not know me, I am a school teacher and certified ancient artifact of CTP (read the profile if you're not sure what that means). This school year was very successful. I also gained three baby cousins and a niece (all in one month), I was a bridesmaid, and I survived what could have been a horrid wreck. Nevertheless, summer break is always a great time to rest, reflect, and refine. I have decided to further my education, write a few grants, and start writing a book. I finished a donors choose grant for my classroom last week. I can send the link if anyone is interested.

Anyway, that was my brief recap of the year. Now on to why I feel conflicted. It has been almost 5 years TTC and I still want a baby. Even though my two kids are nearly adults, I can't give up...even though I want to.. I don't talk about it with anyone anymore, not even DH. I don't test either. I don't look at the calendar until AF comes of the Flo app sends me a notification that my cycle is near. It is not nearly as depressing as it used to be when it starts because so far I've been let down for over 50 cycles straight. I said all that because you would think that after all of this that I would quit. I toil with this quite often and my fear is that I may want something that I should not have or that I may never get the chance at something my heart has desired for so long. Will the desire ever leave? Just venting...