Community post

After alot of reflection...

I've decided not to delete my account. I still want to know how you ladies are doing too much. I worry and pray for you. I've still got my fingers crossed for you. I still want to be here to support you.

My marriage is over. He chose to walk away instead of staying to fight with me for us. There is no going back from this. I gave him every opportunity to work it out. I'm moving into the anger stage of my grief. Anger mostly directed at myself for allowing myself to feel any guilt or failure. I always come back to "I can't fix what I didn't know was broken." All those times I asked him what was wrong, what was stressing him out, if he was happy, and how he felt and he only told me what he thought I wanted to hear. I can't be in a relationship with that much dishonesty. I would have fought tirelessly for us with the help of a counselor, but at the end of the day, he wanted a time frame for that. There is no time frame. You're either committed to working it out, or you're looking for another excuse. I know, logically, I did everything I could. I tried to have what I thought, were very real discussions about our future. I thought we were communicating perfectly. He's maintaining that "We never talk." stance of his, which baffles me. How does he think he was able to make me happy? What does he think all those conversations were? HE doesn't talk, not honestly at least. HE doesn't feel that he has any responsibility for our current reality. But I can't allow myself to dwell. He's made his choice and I will be okay. I have finished sorting through our things and have packed all of his. We are filing the dissolution papers next week. At this point, I'm ready to begin the process of moving on. I've made myself a list of goals to bring me back to who I am as an individual. My first goal is to work on my mind. I need to let go of my fear that I will end up alone, I need to let go of my trust issues because I cannot allow my future to pay for the sins of my past, and I need to work on loving myself again. I need to work through these things before I even consider putting myself out there again. You never know when your person will come along so these things are my first priority. I'm ready to be the best "me" I can be! Next goal is to stand on my own two feet. Since moving home, we've lived with my dad, which is where I will remain until I am ready to get a place all on my own. Just a small, one bedroom apartment with secured access. I've never felt safe being alone so I need a building that is secure and thankfully, there are apartments across the street from the neighborhood I'm in now that offers all of that.
I've learned alot from this whole experience. I've learned alot about my own feelings of doubt and how I changed who I was so much for a man. This will NEVER happen again. I will never settle, again. I love him, I probably always will, but I'm realizing that there are different kinds of love. I truly hope he can come to some realizations about himself and find the happiness that we both deserve. I've realized that my mind has been prepared for this for awhile. Had you told me two weeks ago that I would be going through this and I'd feel as strong as I do, I never would have believed you. But I am strong. I will come out of this brighter, stronger, and more true to myself. I will be ME again. When the time comes for me to meet someone new, I know that honesty and communication is important on both sides. I know that I deserve to be taken out on a DATE! Brandon, not once, asked me on a date. I've NEVER been on a real date. In the future, I want someone that will call me up and say "Woman I'm takin' you out! Wear a dress and I'll pick you up at 7." Someday I'll be ready to do that. It's scary thinking about the future, but I'll be okay. :)
I adore you all and I'm sorry to have read some of the things y'all are going through. Please remember that I'm always rooting you on. <3

24 Comments • 8 years ago

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