Community post

It seems I will be saying goodbye to you...

Ladies,
It kills me to have to do this but for my own well being, it must be done.
Over the weekend my life, my world, basically went to shit. My husband came home from his dad's house on Friday night, around midnight and said we needed to talk. Cue the waterworks...that phrase is never good. He ticked off a list of things he's been keeping bottled up: Living at my dad's/my not-so-secure job (we've been looking for a house/apartment that we could afford easily and I've been applying for anything I could find), debt, TTC, and the issues between his family and me. Finally it all culminated in: he's not happy and he's been lying to me about it for YEARS to "keep me happy". I can honestly say, fine, I agree with getting out from under my dad's roof, I DO need a more secure job, we DO need to make more of an effort to pay off any debt we have...but what I have an issue with is that the things with his mom's side of the family have been better. The only real issue is his dad's fiance but FINE I can work on that. This is my marriage, I'll do what needs done to make it work. What I can't understand is the lying for years. How can I fix anything when I don't know how broken it is?! I thought we were happy. He only told me he wanted to TTC because he wanted to KEEP ME HAPPY?! That is NOT a game you play with someone. He doesn't know what he wants, that much is clear. Over the course of the weekend, I finally couldn't take the "indifference" towards me any longer and asked him yesterday morning, "Do you truly want me to fight for this marriage, or do you want out? Because my gut is telling me you're already gone." He really couldn't give me an answer...which is an answer all in itself. He told me he thought it was best to go stay at his dad's house for now, that we should take some time apart and I just told him to do what he needed to do. I told him I loved him and I left. I couldn't watch him walk out the door. It seems to me that he's looking for an excuse to leave and if he wants that, fine. But to protect myself, if he decides he wants to try and make it work, I'm demanding we see a marriage counselor. He's placed all of this on me and only me but he isn't perfect either so if he expects this to work, we'll need help. If he's not willing to seek help with me then I will be the one to walk away. I need to worry about ME.
Where I am now: We're separated, I'm actually dealing okay since I've had a few people to talk to over the weekend about everything and I'm reluctantly but honestly starting to see that this is a blessing in disguise. I don't want to see my marriage fall apart, but how can I trust his word in the future. Will this happen again in 5 years, AFTER kids have entered the picture? I know that I can't do the yo-yo thing, either this is when we fix it and things change, or we cut our losses and walk away. So while he's taking this time to figure out what he wants, so am I. I don't deserve to be in the dark like this. I don't deserve to have these games played with me and my heart. While it kills me, KILLS me to say this, I'm praying this cycle is a dud. I don't know how I would be able to handle that at this point. Things are easy right now, if we decide to divorce: split up our things and sign the papers. I don't know how it would work if I end up pregnant NOW of all times.
I really hate to leave you ladies but at this point, it's way too hard to be here and think about how much my life will be likely changing from the course I thought we were on.
I'll leave you girls with my e-mail address if you'd like to keep in touch. I know I'd enjoy it. I truly hope you ladies find everything you dream of in your lives. Each of you deserves to hold the world in the palm of your hand and you will all be amazing mothers.
<3<3
Alycia (amdouthitt@outlook.com)

25 Comments • 8 years ago

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