Community post

Doubt

I spent a month wanting nothing more than to get pregnant. Then, I spent a week away from work and with my family. Now, I'm questioning everything. Not that I want to have kids - I've always wanted to be a mom and that will never change. But, I am questioning if we are in a position financially to make this work and whether or not I should be looking for a new job pre or post baby. I am questioning if we are really ready to dedicate our lives to a baby. I am also wondering if I've earned the right to be a mommy. I have been overweight for a very long time, and I feel I owe it to my future baby to be healthy. I owe it to my husband to (as I believe he owes it to me). So, do we continue trying or do I take a month or two (or a little more) to reassess?

The other side is this: my father was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago. Some treatments have been more successful than others, but he's doing pretty well right now. However, cancer sucks. My father has multiple myeloma, which isn't something that can really go away. It will keep coming back. And in his case, the doctors estimated that he has 3-4 years left (which was 6 months ago, so now he has 2.5 - 3.5 years left). Of coarse, this is only an estimate, and in my heart, I think he will have at least another year or two more than that. But I could also be wrong.

I am the oldest in my family and the only child that could reasonably consider getting pregnant sometime soon (my younger brother and sister and not yet married or engaged). My father wants grandchildren SO badly, although he has not really spoken of it since his cancer diagnosis. He says he doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want to put pressure on me. I also think he doesn't talk about it because he doesn't know if he will ever become a grandfather now.

I want to see my dad become a grandfather. I also want to know that I was able to give that to him while he is still alive. And then I have thoughts such as, what if being a grandfather helps him stay healthy, mentally and physically? What if it gives him another reason to fight? And I know it will give him another positive thing to look back at.

So, how can I really say...we are going to be tight when it comes to money? Or maybe I should find a better job? What is really important? I feel so torn, though. I want a baby, but I guess I'm scared. My parents always provided for me - I never worried about money growing up, I don't think I was even aware of it. I would like to give my children the same. How do I know when it's time? How big of a risk is ok to take? Life is difficult.

0 Comments • 10 years ago

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