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Journal

My thoughts on our first time TTC.

Hello all,
New here and wanted to document my TTC journey. :)
Here's some background information on myself:
My DP and I have been committed for about two years. He was my childhood crush but throughout the school years, we lost touch. I met some bad eggs(no pun) and during a rocky and very unhealthy 3 and a half year relationship I wound up pregnant twice, one being a late miscarriage. Though I was on BC during this time, I was also a teenager. My first pregnancy ended in an abortion, my second..though it's stupid; felt like some sort of punishment.
I aborted my pregnancy, because I was convinced it was better for my relationship, and was doing it to make someone else happy. I knew it was wrong, it's something I'll regret for the rest of my life.
At 19, when I found out I was pregnant again; my relationship had gone to shit. I was working full-time to help my family, was out of school and was single. The baby's father was...angry to say the least, with my decision to keep the baby. I knew I was young, I knew it would be hard, I knew it was a mistake, I knew it was partly my fault, but... I also knew, I had a stable job, helpful family and friends and didn't mind the drawbacks(&honestly, I was never the party type, I spent most of my free nights at home, watching movies, cooking extravagant dinners for myself and watching movie after movie..). I felt, if I made that mistake again, I needed to grow up and deal with it. Take responsibility. Bottom line. I thought about adoption as well during this time, but honestly I wanted to keep my baby. I always knew I'd wanted to be a mother. I was always called a prude, uptight, worried-wart, home-type...though I could take these as negatives, I never did.
I ended up miscarrying late into my pregnancy, I delivered a still birth and after a bad depressing period I continued with my life. Still from that moment...that exact moment, I knew something was missing. I knew it would be missing for a while. I always figured by 25, I'd have my first- no rush, right?
I reunited with DP months after that, he was different but still the same goofy, sweet, respectful little dork I fell in love with when we were 12. He courted me(I swear, lol) for months, came to my job for lunch, for weeks on end, stayed up all day and night to talk to me while I worked, advised me and even waited for me while I reunited with another ex, from prior and tried a long distance relationship with him(which fell through, but I needed to do it, no more what if's) and eventually became roommates with my DP, afterwards, until it was official.

Our relationship has grown strong since then. We've decided we wanted to marry after 25, if at all. Of course after reluctantly accepting truths I somehow refused to believe, we decided we wanted our own baby. He wanted a family, he loves kids, and he's been there for me through thick and thin. One thing I love to hear, that he repeatedly tells me- "you'd make a great mother, you're responsible, mature, you deal with other peoples kids when they cant and I'd love for you to have my child". It's something I've heard the opposite of from my last experience. But after it's sunk in, it's nice :)
We decided to get off BC as of a year ago, but nothing. Figured it'd be that easy as being unprotected. It wasn't. We never really "tried" just had sex, whenever thinking it would just happen.
It's now been about a year and after more talking we've decided to really try for the next year. Of course, if I fail to conceive it's off to the doctors. Since I've had kidney infections as well as other health issues this past year, I'm finally excited to actually try, on a clear cycle with good enthusiasm.
Today is CD#3 and I'm filled with thoughts of fear and excitement, but more doubt than anything.
My biggest fear is not being able to carry a baby to full term. I don't know if I can handle that, but I'm willing to try.

*credit to who need it. to those starting out. & to those who've survived this journey.