Community post

It's all getting pretty overwhelming

So, AF showed up...the evil bitch.

I'm not entirely sure why, but it's hit me incredibly hard this time. We've only been trying for 9 months...I can't imagine how frustrating and heart breaking it gets for those who've been trying for years. I feel broken - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I feel like my body has absolutely betrayed me in this one area where it's suppose to work without a hitch. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, and not just from our TTC journey. There's just too much going on right now.

My mom's cancer doesn't seem to be responding to the chemo (at least not the way I feel it should). Her CA-125 is still high, despite surgery and 2 cycles of chemo...though granted, she's got 4 more cycles to go. But I'm so worried that the chemo isn't going to take care of it all and I know she won't take any treatment past what she's scheduled to receive. She's almost 70, so Lord knows I don't blame her at all...but WOW am I ever not ready to lose my mom!!

My daughters mother is driving me up a damn wall. I realize this woman is bat shit crazy. I realize she's mentally ill. And I realize she does the best she can...it's just not good enough. She's suppose to have our daughter Wednesdays and Thursdays and my husband called her Tuesday to find out what the plan was for Wednesday and she didn't know...she had to go to work, so she didn't know what to do with her. Are you serious?!! How do you not know what you're going to do with your kid on the day you have to work?! How is a 3yr old not on the top of your priority list?! I just don't understand! I realize I'm just the "step mom", but this woman bitches constantly to my husband about how I'm "taking over" and all I can think is Of course!! Someone has to be!!!

I also just found out that I've got fatty liver disease, which has thrown me for an absolute loop. So now I'm faced with the reality that not only am I horribly fat, but I'm actually damaging my organs because of it. And I wonder why I'm having trouble getting pregnant??

I've just got more on my emotional plate than I can actually deal with right now. My head hurts, my heart hurts...I really just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and hide, but Lord knows that's not gonna fix a damn thing. All I've done today is cry...which is completely ineffective considering I'm currently at work.

I've added a bunch of new vitamins to my daily regimen, hoping maybe they'll help sort out my mood and my liver. I've also got an appointment scheduled with my doc for Nov. 3rd to talk about fertility issues and see what she has to say about my liver (now that I know about it). I may talk with her about getting on a mood stabilizer as well if I'm not feeling any better by then. I'm Bipolar, so I can't take an antidepressant alone, and I realize that I'd have to stop the mood stabilizer if I got pregnant, but I'm sort of at an "anything is better than nothing" stage, right now.

I'm also thinking maybe my husband and I need to take a break from actively trying to conceive right now with everything else that's going on. Maybe this is my "sign" to just chill out for a bit!

1 Comment • 8 years ago

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