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12 week Natural miscarriage - TMI just needed to vent my feelings
I was so excited to find out I was pregnant. I found out two days before my birthday. I couldn't wait to have a wonderful baby with my husband. We had been TTC for 6 months. This last week just after my 12 week mark I miscarried. Logic is so hard to cling to right now. I know I didn't do anything to cause it. I know that there wan't anything I could have done to prevent it but emotionally I feel like there should have been. I feel like I let my husband down that I failed him and myself. That somehow I should have known and prevented it. Having a miscarriage was nothing like what I had expected or read about, I'm not sure how much of it was due to have far along I was or just that people don't talk about it. I never imagined that I would see the entire fetus, or that two days later I would feel something being ripped out of me and rush to the bathroom just in time to have the placenta fall out of me and onto the floor. I never imagined the raw feeling inside me. The sense of loss but also the feeling that you shouldn't feel like you lost anything. Realizing that the little baby whose heartbeat you watched just two weeks ago on an ultrasound is gone. That you will never be able to meet them. And at the same time knowing that they never had a chance to be. I have looked up the statistics and studies, I know the percentages and numbers. I know there isn't anything I did but it feels like I must have.
I feel guilty for wanting to try again for wanting another baby despite having just lost one. I feel guilty that maybe if I hadn't always kept in the back of my mind that this could happen it wouldn't have. I feel lost and I don't know where or how to move forward. I want to try again right away but I feel guilty that somehow that is harming the memory of my first pregnancy. I feel like I am not strong enough if I go through this again. I feel like the physical pain I feel shouldn't be as bad and that mentally I should be hurting more. I feel like someone else. That I should grieve this as much as having lost a child or even as much as a pet. I feel like I don't feel enough and that I feel too much at the same time. I feel lost.
I feel like my body betrayed me and now my mind is as well, and I know I will get better and somehow that is worse.
3 Comments • 5 years ago
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It does get easier to accept, with time. U'll know when ur ready to move forward once u've fully processed what has happened. One day at a time!! 
I'm so sorry for your loss, and it will get easier to deal with but you most definitely will never forget that sweet baby. I've already had 2 losses this year and both were very hard to deal with and at times I still find myself crying because that question is always in the back of your head, why me? But my husband and I aren't actually trying as in tracking ovulation, etc. But relying on the fact that we strongly believe when the time is right God will send us our rainbow baby. I would say to just take your time and when you feel that the time is right try again. 
5 years ago
So sorry for your loss...it’s so easy in these situations to feel some sort of guilt, as if it’s something wrong with us or something we could have done differently (even though we know better) but it’s all a part of the grieving process. Don’t feel shame for wanting to try again right away. If the doc says it’s ok, and you both want to, then there’s nothing wrong with that. Life is beautiful and IMO, there’s never a wrong time for one to be created. It doesn’t take away from the beautiful one you lost either, as he/she will always be a part of you and remembered 
5 years ago
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