Community post

Never Have I Ever

Never have I ever NOT gotten pregnant when I planned to. I know! How? What? No way! and Not Fair! But it's true. All 3 times that I've been pregnant are exactly when I wanted to be. No drugs or voodoo, just baby dancing like we normally do. I do realize that many woman struggle for months, weeks and years. I'm not saying I get where they are coming from. I don't and I hurt for them. I'm simply saying WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME? Am I officially old and can't make babies anymore? Being 41 I think it's a legitimate worry for me to have. Maybe I'm shutting down? Maybe I'm all out of eggies? I shouldn't panic but I'm so very sad. I'm angry with myself and my age. I'm old. I feel so old now that this has happened. Running through my mind are thoughts of everything I've done wrong or just not done at all. I want my second baby. I need my second baby. I look at my son everyday and think, "I'm so sorry my pumpkin. I'm sorry I lost your twins brothers or sisters or who knows? I failed you and now you're alone. I'm trying me dear one. I'm trying my very hardest." These feelings are painful and hurt. I try to share my thoughts with my spouse but then I instantly feel regret for making him sad as well. So I come here. I come to a place where other women may or may not be feeling the same pain. A place that I won't be judge or told I'm just being silly. I am trying to allow myself to be forgiven and I try to say it's not my fault that I'm not pregnant right now. It's tough and seems impossible but I must believe.

Thank you ladies for allowing me to drop this off of my very tired shoulders...

2 Comments • 6 years ago

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