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CD1?,..feels more like the end of a chemical pregnancy

****TMI on this post,...sorry but this is exactly how it happened****

So yesterday I started what might have been my period.
Cramps were so bad at night, so I took a warm shower, thought it would ease the pain.
I was so emotional I sat and cried inside the tub, suddenly the cramps intensity increased, I felt like something was tearing apart inside me...when I notice a "clogg" came out.
I was crying and praying,...telling the Lord I wanted to accept is not my time to be a mother, then I saw how the "clogg" wouldn't dissolve with the hot water,..instead it was getting cleaned from the blood, until the remains were just this piece of "tissue",...
I grabbed it, and (call me crazy but) my heart automatically told me this was no regular period. I feel this "tissue" was what could've been my child..... I immediately burst out crying even harder, yet in silence....
No matter what anyone would say if they know this story, I KNOW what I felt....and in my heart that was my little angel going back to Gods presence.

I'll share here what I wrote in a personal journal I keep:

" Love, I'm sorry my body couldn't keep you... the little soul God gave u for what might have been a few days is already back in heaven, where you must belong.
Please ask God to let you come to me one day....when it happens, I'll know you heard me, I'll know u asked him, and I'll know you will be Gods answer.
I promise you,....when He decides I'm ready, you'll be loved like no other...you already are, in my heart.
I love u dear,.....I'll see u again one day."

Only God knows why He allows many of us go thru this pain, physical and emotional, every month. Maybe is to prepare us for the amazing joy ahead, the one only becoming a mother gives.
I don't know exactly....but I just ask the Lord to help me close my eyes and allow Him to guide me.
At this point I feel lost....I don't want to get excited again, I don't want to have dreams of having a baby,...I don't want to fall asleep rubbing my belly praying for a little soul to be there,... I don't want to dream if I need to wake up to this nightmare.

I know life goes on,...but is just so hard.

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