Community post

TTC is so depressing

I used to get depressed as soon as my period would start. The disappointment that I felt in the first months only multiplied as time went on, which turned to crying, then sleeping, then crying myself to sleep. The feeling of failure was so hard to get over- I'm such a type-A personality, that if there is something I can't do or can't do well, I just practice and get better at it. This is not the kind of thing you can get better at. And no matter how much I try, I just happen to suck at making babies. But now the depression starts before I even get my period. I just know I'm going to because why would this month be any different than the last or the one before that, or...so I start panicking and feeling down even before I have a real reason to.

I went off birth control when I was 29 because I had been on it for 10 years. I wanted to have a baby someday, and I had heard that prolonged usage could make it harder to have children. My husband and I had been married for four years already, so I figured if it happened, it happened. Everyone thinks they will be one of those couples that will just make a baby without really trying. You know the story, "We weren't TRYING, we just weren't trying NOT TO." I've come to hate that story with the fire of a thousand suns, and have very violent feelings towards anyone who uses it. When we hadn't conceived in a year, I didn't think much of it, but after 2 years I started to worry that something was wrong. I started buying OPKs to make sure I had an LH surge every month. I had a longer cycle of 32-34 days, but I always had even when I was a teenager so I didn't think much of it. When I got a positive result every month, I felt better about my body, but I was perplexed. Why hadn't I magically gotten pregnant? I started trying to time intercourse during those surges, but still there was nothing. I went to go see my doctor in December of 2013 to see if there was anything wrong with me.

My doctor ran a battery of tests and discovered I had an elevated testosterone level. Because of this, she diagnosed me with PCOS. Great! I thought, We finally know what's wrong with me! I didn't know at the time that the diagnosis was incorrect and the test was a fluke. They ran some additional tests and did a pelvic ultrasound, but didn't find anything unusual and told me to keep trying. And so we did.

After several more months trying to conceive, my doctor referred me to an infertility specialist at Boston Medical. They ran so many blood tests (11 vials) I was glad to be leaving the lab vertically! After the blood tests came my HSG (that was an adventure I'd like to never repeat) and my husband's semen analysis, all which came back normal. My new doctor debunked the PCOS diagnosis with both ultrasound and additional blood tests which showed my testosterone and glucose levels were within the normal range. He diagnosed me with unexplained infertility, which is like the worst diagnosis you can have in my opinion. It's like going to a doctor with a headache and having them tell you "Well...it's NOT a brain tumor." and calling it a day. I don't know why I can't seem to have a baby, I just can't.

This month my doctor started me on clomid 50mg. I am ovulating every month on my own, but this should give me an extra push to being more fertile (also I have to do 3 clomid/IUI cycles before I can do IVF thanks to my insurance). We elected to try clomid alone for 2 months before the IUI because my husband almost threw a full blown tantrum after the semen analysis and I thought it would be nice to give him a break. So here I am, day 31, 13dpo, and starting to feel the depression seeping into my every being. I've had some pg symptoms, but we all know we get some every month so it's hard to tell what's real and what isn't. I just wish it wasn't this hard. But there's nothing else I can do but try.

3 Comments • 9 years ago

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