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Mental and emotional torture.

Cycle day 43!! Wow..never before have i had a 43 day cycle! Could only be a good thing right? Well i would have thought so, except 3 faint positives and 2 negatives have left me very confused. The voice in my head is arguing with itself constantly and has still to come up with an answer! I have checked google a billion times or more looking for answers and i just don't know what to think! So this is where i am at...Mental and emotional torture! Thinking one thing...then thinking another....hoping for one thing....dreading another. I thought maybe its all the thinking im doing thats delaying my period...but in fact a few times now i have been convinced shes coming and on a couple of occasions have gone to the loo thinking she was here! But no. So it cant be me thinking thats causing it. Besides i tell myself every month im not going to come on but i always do!! So am i pregnant or was i? Chemical pregnancy would explain faint positive then negative results, except i should have started bleeding by now :/ So if i am pregnant, then why was it starting to show then now its not? I am going to do another test today an see what that says, i have a blood test booked for tomorrow so hopefully by the end of the week i will know something. Till then i just have to keep feeling tortured :( I have been so convinced i was going to come on that i have prepared myself for it but with every day that goes by with no show i keep thinking i must be pregnant and then i get my hopes up and feel a little flutter of excitement only to be struck by a wave of fear, that i am going to be disappointed at the end of all this. And if i have to deal with that disappointment i honestly don't know how i am going to find the strength to go through yet another cycle. My trust in my body has completely gone. Talking to other half and he feels the same, excited one minute then scared the next. We allowed ourselves to discuss names and silly things last night then were instantly wishing we hadn't and preparing ourselves for the worst. It is so hard not knowing and not having a clue what to think! Dealing with my own body, my own thoughts and feelings is hard enough but dealing with his makes it even harder. The thing is however much this means to me i know it means a little bit more to him. I already have the experience and the blessings of children ad even though he loves them as his own and treats them as his own the fact is he didn't actually create them and he desperately wants to! So when i don't have the answer he wants, i feel like im letting him down in some way, a bit of added guilt and grief. Its awful. I have tried to keep it to myself but he isnt stupid and he knows how long it is since i had a period. We are ttc after all and periods kinda don't go unnoticed!! Other than him i don't have anyone i can talk to about this as we havent told people we are trying because it raises expectations and we really don't need the extra pressure so all i can do is wait and keep pouring it out on here. So apologies for my miserable and confusing rambles lol

1 Comment • 10 years ago

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