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Rice LOL here's hoping! I try to do Kegels but I get tired quickly. Gotta build endurance "down there" haha!

afmedic those are some major honkers! LOL!

lawbride it will be ok I will call in the morning, or this afternoon if I get a nice dark daytime OPK :) I am sure they can get me in for IUI tomorrow afternoon. How you doing today?

AFM I am ready for some football! I am slightly obsessed. Heehee. As a Packers fan and Steelers fan, I need the Lions to lose. As a fantasy football owner of Calvin Johnson, I need the Lions to not lose by much. So conflicted!

Meh. I'm pretty bored. Not up to much. DH is working till 8 tonight so I'm home alone again. I feel pretty bad about myself today. Trying to shake the feelings.

Law--Why are you feeling down today? Is it just one of those days? You should be overly excited to test later this week.

lawbride is it the drugs? Just keep telling yourself "it's the hormones it's the hormones," you are a super lady and you deserve good things! We <3 you :)

No it's not the drugs...it's the reality that I've already gained 1/2 of what would be expected during pregnancy and I'm not even pregnant ...I keep thinking...what if I don't get pregnant? What if all of this was for nothing? I think on top of these feelings I've been incredibly lonely these past few days and it's just wearing on me. I pass a mirror every time I head upstairs to use the restroom and I can't help but look at it and think that I've become someone who I CANNOT be proud of. It's debilitating and I feel so so so so unworthy of all things good.

lawbride if you don't get pregnant and you decide not to keep trying you will lose the weight, trust me. I have gained and lost lots of weight over the last few years, it's tough too because you are right at the age where your metabolism starts to slow down so some weight gain was probably inevitable, pair that with all the hormones and the TTC and it adds up to quite a bit of pounds. You have discipline and you have a good work ethic and I know you will be fine in that case. I think not exercising much is probably not helping you feel confident about that, because although I know you don't want to take a risk, women tend to feel more in control of their weight when they exercise (even if they aren't losing much weight). My recommendation is to watch a sad movie and have a good cry and hopefully that'll tip the cup and let the bad feelings out :)

luv--it's just such a tough pill to swallow. If I showed you a picture of my body from ~a year ago it would be night and day. Ever since we started TTC it's been a downward spiral in terms of my body composition and overall fitness and it hurts to give it up not knowing that the outcome will be a beautiful baby. January might roll around and we're not pregnant--in which case I'll have to actually DIET for the first time in my life--not only that, my husband and I just got married and I feel like I've let him down by allowing this to happen to my body. IT sounds silly I'm sure but I honestly feel like such a failure. This is not how I envisioned our TTC journey--I thought I might gain a couple pounds and resume menstruating and fall pregnant shortly thereafter..of course, that's not what has happened. I was so optimistic earlier but the reality that we might have to stop trying for several years really breaks my heart--I've spent my entire life putting off being truly happy because I had to bear the burden of taking care of myself. Now, again, I fear that I'll have to put off starting a family because that's the sensible thing to do given my career choice. It just makes me sad that the overwhelming majority of people, even those not TRYING, have babies without ever feeling this kind of pain or sacrifice and I just HATE that I have to endure this every single day and no one understands. no one IRL that I can talk to...not even my husband because he just does not get what it feels like to be a woman who cannot give her husband children without all of this invasive, expensive, and unnatural interference. I am pitying myself and I know things could be worse so please forgive me but this just SUCKS! It hurts me deeper than I ever thought possible because I don't live my life for myself anymore...it's about my husband's happiness too and without a baby his life will never feel complete...I'm standing in the way of that.

lawbride I won't say I understand completely but I am in a similar position, a year ago I was in the best shape of my life and weighed 150 lb (at 5'11" that is super lean) with 15% body fat, now I'm double that for body fat and weigh about 185 (thank god I am now down 10-15 lb from my high weight) and my walking pace is abysmal while it used to be AMAZING. It's hard to avoid those bad days where you don't recognize yourself. It also sucks that women have to sacrifice our bodies either to get pregnant or to stay pregnant. I'm sure your husband doesn't feel let down at all! Would it help to talk to him about it? He could reassure you. I'm sure you look better than you think you do. We are our own worst critics.

Luv-it's almost too shameful to talk about--the fact that i care so much makes me feel bad and drawing attention to it makes me feel bad. So I try to
Forget about it. I'm a different person now with different priorities ..or at least I'm trying to be. I would feel much much much better about it if I were pregnant--then, without a doubt, every pound would be worth it, here's to praying that in a week or less I will be! :)

lawbride WORD! Being pregnant is the best cure for the baby-weight blues ;) I always kind of laugh at pregnant women who complain about being a whale. I'm like "ENJOY IT, jeeeeeeeesus!" ;)