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Sunday morning musings and worries

So I've been thinking a lot about infertility this week. The most recent diagnosis is "Unexplained fertility" it could have been slight male factor but we don't know for certain since the number jumped back up for the second SA.

This new cycle that stated has me worried already. My Period was late, no BFPs showed up so it wasn't a chemical, and it's significantly lighter than it usually is. It went from medium(at the most) to light, to spotting, to brown spotting and now back to bright red spotting. I haven't needed to wear a pad for almost 2 days. I didn't get my awful cramps. The ones that last for hours and are extremely uncomfortable. My DH just asked me if I could possibly still be pregnant. I think at this point It would just be wishful thinking to say yes. though I may take a test just to assure him(and myself) that that isn't a possibility.

I feel worried now. After more than a year and a half of trying I'm worried. I'm worried that this car accident damaged me somehow, that the medications I took threw off my cycle, and now that I'm staring down the barrel of starting a medicated IUI cycle, that I won't get pregnant at all. I know that last bit is premature but still... I'm worried that if I do get pregnant with my first IUI cycle my mother will be upset that I "ruined her Christmas" and I'm worried that if this progresses it will put a giant wedge between my family, friends and myself. I already know that, despite my mother's knowledge in the medical field, they have no idea about infertility. I've already heard the most common things people say to people struggling to get pregnant. " just relax." "Stop thinking about it and it'll happen" " you guys haven't been trying for that long anyway" and my favourite " you're still young, it'll happen eventually" While I understand that these are well meant, they are not helpful. I'm 28, if I'm having these problems now, how is getting older supposed to make it better?

I'm worried about the IUI that we will do if we don't get our BFP this cycle. I'm worried that the clinic I go to won't do any testing to make sure everything is alright (like I don't have a million follicles growing) before we do the IUI. I'm worried that I'll have an adverse reaction to the medication.

I understand why people say to live in the moment, because right now planning for the future terrifies me. on the plus side I am healthy. I have a job in a field that I normally enjoy, a boss who respects me, a husband who loves me and 3 fur babies to snuggle. I may be a ball of worry but I mustn't forget how blessed I actually am.

Me:29 DH:27 Mar 31 2015: IUI #1, MC 16/04 May 30, 2015: IUI #2, Jul 31, 2015: IUI #3, Aug 25, 2015: IUI #4, Sep 26, 2015: IUI #5, Oct 24, 2015: IUI #6,

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