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Our last big effort was a bust.

12 dpo - Well, on CD30 now. I think I have the ovulation date right - and it was like day 18 - crazy late for me because of the clomid. I'm crampy this morning though, and not spotting yet, but AF will probably be here by tomorrow. Have exhausted tons of pregnancy strips in the last two days, including two frers but nothing. 99% sure I'm out. This was our last month really trying and I'm devastated. We won't prevent, but I'm going to stop tracking and I promised DH no more scheduled BD sessions. It's killing our intimacy after more than 2 years of TTC unsuccessfully after Oscar's death. We've only been married 3 years and we've spent the entire marriage either pregnant, grieving or chained to an ovulation calendar and fertility meds, desperately trying to get pregnant again.

I'm more than 42 years old now (and I was never fertile Myrtle even in my youth), and I must come to terms with the reality that the next baby of mine I'll hold will probably be a grandchild. But I don't want to. It's like losing Oscar all over again. I'll never nurse a baby again. I'll never get to see MY child in the clothes and carrier that I bought for Oscar, that I never got to use. I have a closet filled with stuff I'll have to give away, one thing at a time.

I don't know how I'm going to get through work. This is so hard. Thank goodness I have off tomorrow. I just have to keep it together today...

3 Comments • 6 years ago

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