Community post

Stopping treatment

Well after two terribly long years we did our last IUI yesterday. My well has run dry. I feel disappointment and grief but also a little anger that it's just not going to happen to me. I am most likely never going to have a baby of my own. I just can't do this anymore. It's too expensive and the constant stress of juggling appointments has gotten the best of me. I will test in 10 days but am not holding my breath. I only had one follie. My meds this cycle were $2300 not including the $600 dollars worth of free meds that the nurse was so kind to gift me. I am not able to save up for DEIVF and continue the IUIs. I figure that I have about 5 months to come to terms with using DE. I am excited and just ready to be done will all of this. I just want a family and how it happens doesn't matter to me anymore. I would drive down now and do DE today if I had the money.

So I figure I will keep peeing on sticks and trying to TI in hopes that we get lucky but I am overly positive it wont happen. I am down an ovary. My AMH is .56. My cycles are 33-50+days. But whatever. At least the pressure is off. It is strange to think that this is the end of the road for my own genetic children. What can I do? I have lost 4 babies. I really did try. It just wasn't in the cards for me. Maybe, just maybe this IUI will work. Ha that would be great! Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

I look forward to taking some art classes and some other things where I can be creative and have an outlet. TTC has run every minute of my life for 2.5 years. I don't even know how to live any other way. I get to focus on my marriage which somehow has survived this mess. My hubbs needs some TLC. I need some TLC. I need rejuvenation so I can be the best I can be when we get to DEIVF. I hope next week I will still be okay with all of this. It is a huge loss. The biggest loss. I hope that the next 5 months I can be strong and find joy again. I know I will have very bad days and possibly those bad days may be more often than good days but I hope there will be good days. I will see many women around me get pregnant, have babies and complain through the entire process but that is life. Maybe I will be lucky enough to get the chance to complain myself. I look forward to the day when I don't have to avoid looking at infants, and the babies sections in stores. I look forward to seeing pregnant women and not feel devastated. I look forward to not crying every day on my drive home from work. Maybe my heart can become whole again. I don't know if it ever will. I hope to have faith again one day. God and I are not on good terms these days. I hope for joy.

MMC 12/2000 D&C Molar pregnancy 12/2001 MMC 1/2015 D&C mosaic turners 3/16 Laparascopic cystectomy, Unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy 4/16 Femara no response 5/16, 6/16 Femara + gonal f + novarel or some combo =BFN 7/16 Gonal f only and trigger. IUI #1 8w no heart beat D&C triploidy

2 Comments • 7 years ago

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