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KarmicDharma

High Hopes

This Sunday is move-in day!!!!! We sign the papers for our new house on Thursday, then we start moving our crap on Sunday. Well, the hubs and his buddies do the moving, I'll be working. HA! This is an exciting new chapter in our lives. We recently had a long overdue heart-to-heart. The hubs has been keeping his stress to himself and I have been trying to stay too busy to worry, obsess, etc. We finally had a good talk and tried to work through some things we have both been trying not to deal with. Silly things really.....losing friends (who we thought were friends) and being ok with it, confronting loved ones who seem to have taken us for granted, and so on. It felt good and we made plans to have these no tv, no cell phone, no electronics date nights. We will set aside some time for each other and really talk about things rather than veg out on tv or homework. It was great, and it has been ever since.

Of course this doesn't keep me from thinking about babies. I have thought long and hard about how happy my life could be if we never had babies. I looked at all the positives and asked myself if all that was enough to satiate me for the rest of my life. My answer: No. I will always feel a huge emptiness in my life if I never have children. I keep scaring myself into this notion that I am almost out of time. I guess in reality I'm not, but who knows how much longer my mother (battling cancer for the 2nd time) has....or my dad....or his mom or step-dad. I want them all to be grandparents. I want them to spoil my babies with love. Ridiculous love. And chocolate. What grandparent doesn't spoil with chocolate? I want that for them as much as I want it for myself and my babies. I also want fatherhood for the hubs. He's truly my best friend and I want my best friend to be a daddy. He deserves to have a baby and raise that baby. It has been ripped from him twice in his life already....not right, and not fair.

I keep trying to tell myself that I should just focus on getting my Master's degree, finding my ideal job working with kids, and enjoy our new house. But I always have this shadow hanging over every good thing in my life. That baby shadow. That shadow of desire that encompasses my every waking moment and adds a bittersweet aftertaste to every bite of success. Forgive me if it makes me a little edgy at times. I just want so much for so many, and I will never be ok with anything less.

Just sayin'.