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Considering an alternative...

So, I caved at 14dpo and I jumped with joy at several faint BFPs. I was so excited, only to be devastated once again. I ended up with heavy bleeding two days later. I immediately called my doctor, and she told me it had to be a chemical, and "not to worry about it." She was so insensitive about everything and came off rude about the whole thing. She insisted on me not coming in for it, but I'd rather get checked out and make sure everything is okay. Especially since I just experienced a miscarriage a few months earlier.I don't trust any of the doctors in my town- and just about everyone in this town shares the same mistrust- so I scheduled an appointment with a new doctor about an hour away. Hopefully I find out what's going on. We've been trying so hard, and long, for our little miracle, and all we're getting is angels. I went through so many symptoms this last cycle, and felt so many changes, I thought for sure this was it. But, most good things have to come to an end, for us. Seems like all of this is just devastating me, more then what it should.

Last night, as me and my S.O. were laying in bed, we started discussing all of our options. Everyone tells me that I was born to be a mother, and my S.O. is one of those people that stands by it. Growing up, my S.O. was placed in and out of unstable foster homes, and he got to watch kids grow up without any real parent figures in their life. We had considered adoption as an option before, but we weren't ready to give up trying just yet. We still aren't fully ready to call it quits. But, the more we talked about foster homes and foster children, the more I realized, maybe that is the role we can play in someones life. There are plenty of kids that need some nurturing and love, and I know we could offer that. I've done a lot of extensive research on the topic. I think I just need to come to terms that foster children aren't always a permanent addition, and then I know nothing would hold me back from this decision. I'm afraid of falling in love with a child, and then their biological parents earn the right to take their child back. It's that selfish part of me that I know I need to get over. I think we could change a kids, or several kids if need be, lives by taking on the role of foster parents. It's going to take some time for me to mentally prepare myself for such things, but even if we do manage to conceive, I think this is something I want to do. I want to help a child in need, and give them the kind of love I think all children deserve. This isn't something I can just sleep on, and I realize that. But, I feel it in my heart, this may be one of the most right decisions I can make.

Me and S.O. decided we aren't going to give up, yet. We're going to give it another year of trying, and if we don't get that BFP, and if we're ready, then in 2015, we'll go through all the neccessary steps to get involved with foster care. I'm going to switch my doctor permanently, and hopefully find one that's more suited to work with us. S.O. is gunna go back in to get checked out, and see if his swimmers still got it going on. From there, we'll make adjustments and see what happens. I know I've lost a lot of hope, but if anything comes from our new doctors, I hope it's a little bit of restoration of that lost hope. I'm just praying that this is our year. I'm not sure how many more lost ones I can deal with. I'm praying for sticky beans and baby dust for us all.

2 Comments • 10 years ago

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