Community post

Yeah, my closest friend had her baby when she was 16. She has had it tough (with the father doing a runner and her family providing her hardly any help at all), but she says she wouldn't change a thing - if she could go back and do it all again she would.

PopStar ~

Such words of wisdom and truth! I almost feel like people who say those things (we've all heard them) are trying in some twisted way to make us ttc'ers feel better about being childless. But really their words are just condescending and hurtful. Especially when these are the folks who "accidentally" got pregnant and/or were unsure of becoming parents in the first place. Ummm...us long-term ttc'ers KNOW what we're doing thank you very much!!!

Yes, you are so right, Toria.

I read somewhere that one of the stupidest (although probably well-meaning) things that a mother can say to a ttc'er is:
"Have you ever thought about taking your temperature?"

lol
I understand that sometimes we may be a secretive lot, but give us a little bit of credit.

13dpo today *passes out* lol. I actually was so ungodly tired yesterday that I went home early from work and slept until dinner time, about 3 or 4 hours! I am hopeful, but almost too tired to be excited HAHA.

How are you ladies doing?

In defense of mothers everywhere (and I was told that I couldn't get pregnant, so I have experience with TTC and the pain/frustration/anxiety that goes with it), being around those of us who are trying to get pregnant can feel like tap-dancing on a mine field. We can be a VERY overly-sensitive and self-absorbed bunch. It's impossible to know what will set us off- Just found out you're pregnant and told me right away? That hurts me. Found out weeks ago and waited a long time to tell me because you didn't want to hurt my feelings? That hurts me. Invited me to your baby shower because I'm one of your best friends? That hurts me. DIDN'T invite me to your baby shower because you didn't want me to be hurt or uncomfortable? That hurts me. Unsure if you'll be a good parent and you're suffering all of the PERFECTLY NORMAL anxiety that goes along with finding out that you're pregnant (ESPECIALLY if it was unplanned), and you need to confide in me? That hurts me. Having issues with your pregnancy, you feel like junk, and your boobs feel like they're on fire, and you need t have a little whine? That hurts me and OBVIOUSLY you're ungrateful to be pregnant.

Trust me. I've been to numerous boards and I've seen it all. I know that it's mostly unintentional, and when we're caught up in something like this, it DOES have a tendency to be all-consuming. But that doesn't mean that everyone else around us should be uncomfortable or feel like they can't share their lives with us just because WE are struggling to get pregnant.

That's why I LOVE LOVE LOVE this board. I don't think I've met ONE woman like that on here since I joined. I love it. These women are genuinely excited when someone else gets pregnant, either on the board or IRL, and, while they sometimes struggle, they do it with grace.

But I have seen it and, left unchecked, I had a tendency to slide into that miasma of self-pity and anger at the world myself. I think we just need to be careful of that. Sometimes, well-meaning mothers who are trying to comfort and console someone in their lives who seems to be having a tough time can inadvertently say the wrong thing and 9 times out of 10 it's not malicious. (I AM, of course, referring to the quotes mentioned about "I wouldn't change a thing but parenting is really hard," etc, DEFINITELY not the stuff about "everyone not needing kids," etc. That stuff's just rude and those women ought to have their hair pulled viciously on the spot.)

Also...I will say that reading a book about being a parent and getting pregnant is nowhere NEAR the same as experiencing it yourself. At all. I know that that is one of my friends-with-kids' biggest pet peeves- people who don't have kids trying to give them advice on child-rearing or pregnancy who have never gone through it themselves. It would be like someone who got pregnant just by looking at their husband trying to write a book about the pain and frustration of the long TTC journey. Reading about it doesn't make anyone an expert. It might mean you have a lot of facts, but without hands-on experience, that's about all you've got. I know it stings to hear it, but that's the truth. It galls them just as much as it galls us when they try to give us advice on getting pregnant (unless they struggled too, and THEN I'm all ears.).

I agree that it goes both ways.

As a childless woman, I NEVER EVER make a mother feel bad about living her life. If she wants to vent about a, b, and c regarding her pregnancy / child / children, I am all ears and supportive. I don't expect other peoples lives to stop.

However, its when the advice is directed towards ME that I find it disheartening. I will keep my mouth shut when invited to a baby shower, told of a pregnancy etc and be nothing but supportive. It's just when mothers don't extend that same courtesy to me.

I think because most (not all) mothers have not been down the ttc journey, they do not realize that "advice" at times can seem thoughtless. Never malicious, just thoughtless.

*shrugs* I appreciate the fact that when I become a mother, I will be more careful with my words. I apply the same rule to people who are not married. It's just common courtesy to listen when needed and shut up any other time :) HAHA

Hi, i got pregnant at 16, had my son at 17 (now 2) and i had no positive reactions, no support apart from his dad (my partner still), 2 years on and im still glad i had my son as it was most definately the best thing i ever chose to do. MY family came to terms with it and started to support me about 4 months into the pregnancy, so dont worry too much about it b/c it could turn out for the best. Good luck xx

I also have to say that one of the KINDEST things that was ever said about my own ttc journey, was said to me, not by a fellow ttc'er, but by a good friend of mine. She is a couple of years younger than me and already has two little girls under the age of 3. She of course is my source of constant envy :)

However, after spending an evening watching both of her girls so her and her husband could go shopping together, she texted me saying: "Thanks so much for your help tonight. I look forward to being able to return the favor in the very near future :)"

Just watching her girls was payment enough for me ... but I will never forget how just a few little words could show how much she cared.

MrsSchmidt ~

I do totally get what you're saying. One of my old friends (who I have not seen in about a year but have talked on the phone to several times) had a baby who is now 18 months. She knows my dh have been ttc since May of last year and also that we miscarried in December. I found out from collegue LAST WEEK that my friend was pregnant again and due this April making her nearly 34 weeks. She never told me and OUCH that hurt. I understand she wanted to tell me in person but I hate that friends feel like they have to tiptoe around and exclude me from crucial aspects of their lives because of my fertility issues. In the same token, if she had told me she was preggo right after I shared with her news of our miscarriage, I would have thought she was tactless. So I TOTALLY get what you're saying.

However I do know more than just "facts" about parenting. As the only daughter in a family with 6 brothers, I did my fair share of parenting from the time I was a young girl. For the longest time I thought I didn't want kids of my own because of how hard kids were to raise. I have obviously since changed my mind but do take offense when mothers imply that "I have know idea what I'm talking about". In the same right, I could understand how it looks when a childless woman tries to give someone parenting advice. That seems pretty tactless to me as well! So, in conclusion I also agree that it goes both ways - WHICH IS WHY I LOVE THIS SITE! You all are so supportive no matter what I need to vent about!!!

Well, 15dpo today, af was due yesterday. HPT done yesterday with fmu was a bfn. Still no af to speak of and no "period" cramps to signal she is coming. Yesterdays bfn put me in the frame of mind that I am out for the month. So, I'm not stressing it and just waiting for af to come. I will wait a full week before testing again if still doesn't show her ugly face by then.

to all you ladies, and I can honestly say that you guys helped me out when I felt all alone

How are you ladies doing this cycle?

Sorry to hear about your bfn....:( Just remember its not over until rears her ugly head! But not stressing is definitely a good call if you can do it!

I am on CD 4. My doctor decided to prescribe Provera to "force" my period seeing as I had NOTHING for 2 1/2 months after my miscarriage December 4th! I start taking Clomid tomorrow to try to regulate my cycles and give me a "stronger" ovulation.

Wish me luck!