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Trisomy 13 and trying again.

Wow. I can't believe it's been six months since we lost our daughter. When I look back to that April day in the ultrasound room I still can't believe it happened to us. My husband and I were surrounded by professionals telling us our baby girl was too sick to live outside of the womb. She was very alive and kicking me as they took my dreams and shattered them into pieces. This was our first baby, I was healthy, I ate organic food! How could this be? We decided that our daughter should not suffer, she should know no pain. We made the difficult choice to induce labor and end the beautiful journey Augustine Grace and I had started together. I was 23 weeks when she was born peacefully and forever sleeping; it was April 13th on the 13 hour, my angel had trisomy 13. Augustine was born in the amniotic sac, the whole thing still intact. She was like a beautiful little wrapped up gift. As awful as the experience was, it felt like such a gift to be able to hold her; to say goodbye. To tell her I loved her.

It's a hard thing, missing someone you never really had. But I did, and I still do; maybe I will for the rest of my life. Now, 6 months later there is this constant emptiness. This nagging loneliness. I am happy again, as in I can laugh and smile and make love to my husband. I can have friends over for dinner and host pumpkin carving parties. But I can't smile at babies, and I damn well can't ask a pregnant woman how far along she is or if she knows the sex of her baby. Nope, I'm not quite there yet. But I'm getting there.

We are trying again, I am angry at the people that told me it would happen right away "now your body knows what to do" it's been six months! I wish those people never said a thing. We are hopeful. I try not be be crazy and desperate. But sometimes I just can't help it. There is only one thing in this world that would make me feel whole again, a sweet chubby healthy baby. I do feel like there is light at the end of this dark tunnel and I'm on my way there, slowly but surely I will make it through; smiling and happy and all the more wiser for it.

4 Comments • 12 years ago

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