Community post

I'm New Here, TTC With Baby #1 and Scared of Losing Again

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site. I have lurked on this site for a while but I barely made an account. Well, let me just start off with a little background information on myself.
I'm 19 and married to a soldier. We got married in August 2012, barely a month before he left to basic training. We have always wanted a baby together. Even before we were married, we tried for 5 months leading up to his departure date and were unsuccessful. We were away from each other for 3 and a half months before we could see each other and try again. When he came home from Christmas leave during his AIT (2 weeks), we tried so hard to conceive. When his 2 weeks were up, he had to leave again and I started taking pregnancy tests up the butt, until January 9, 2013 when I FINALLY got the + I was looking for. The line was faint, but I was sure it was a positive. I took a blood test that same day to be sure but the results wouldn't come in until the 11th. Later that day on the 9th, I broke out in a huge rash. My eyes were swollen and I had bumps that looked like hives everywhere. My parents thought it was the new detergent my mom had bought, so I went and bought the non-scented, non-chemically kind. The bumps went away as soon as I had gotten out of the house. I re-washed my sheets and covers and went to bed. The next day (Thursday the 10th), I woke up to find they came back but weren't as bad. Again, I got out of the house and they went away. I had a weird feeling that day and took another hpt just to be sure. The same faint + result came up so I was still happy about that. On Friday when I woke up, I was COVERED in these bumps. So bad that I had to go to the hospital. I told the nurses that I was possibly pregnant and waiting on the results. They had me take a pregnancy test there and got the results back that I was not pregnant. They didn't seem like they were too worried about it and they gave me the medication I needed (benadryl) and sent me on my way. When I got home, I had this really strange feeling in my stomach. Like something bad was happening or was going to happen. I started bleeding heavily. (This part is TMI) I sat on the toilet because I was bleeding so much that I couldn't even wear a pad. There were globs of it and the cramps were horrible. I wasn't even able to sit up straight it hurt so bad. I had gotten a phone call but missed it and a voicemail was left on my phone saying that I was in fact pregnant. At that point, I already knew what was going on and immediately became depressed. It turns out, that my body couldn't handle the extra testosterone in my system and that is why the rash came about. I told my husband what had happened and he couldn't do anything. Couldn't come home. Didn't know what to say to me. Everything he DID say was something you shouldn't say to someone who just lost their child. "We're still young and we can always try again." "Maybe it just wasn't healthy? Wouldn't you want our baby to be healthy?" I understand he was trying to help, but I don't think those are things you should say to someone who just had a miscarriage.
Well, lets fast forward to now. We now live with each other on post at Fort Knox, KY and have been trying since I got here. I'm taking FertilityBlend and One A Day Prenatals. We are both hoping for me to get preg soon as he will be deploying in November for 9 months. I just can't bear the thought of something happening to him and me not having a child with him. I am just really scared though. I don't want to be sad like that again or feel that sort of pain of losing another baby. I'm just really REALLY scared. Is this normal? I feel like I still haven't really had time to grieve. Has anyone else felt this way before? I'm sorry this is so much. I just haven't told anyone this before besides my family and my husband but it just seems like they don't understand...

2 Replies • 11 years ago

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