Community post

Late fall

It's been some time since I wrote, but yet, I come to this journal with age-old feelings. Again, an event has led me here. This one, definitely, has hit close to home. A mother who struggled with infertility for as long as I have has just discovered that she is pregnant. It stung badly upon hearing it. Of course, I don't know what they did to achieve that pregnancy. They could have used Clomid, done IUI, or just gotten lucky. I hope that she shares her "secret" with me when I see her. But, whatever the case, she is pregnant and I am not. Granted, she is a lot younger than me. 35 I think. But either way, she is enjoying these beautiful fall days feeling sick, tired, and overjoyed. They live in a beautiful home, in a gorgeous neighborhood, and she has her mom close by. I am happy with where we are. I don't compare our life to others. But, sometimes I wonder why things didn't go as planned for us. It hurts me. I wrestled with the idea of having another baby last month when I went to the OB. She offered us a solution, and I thought long and hard about taking that olive branch. But instead, I turned away. We are too old. I don't want a child with a disability. I just want a healthy, beautiful baby. The fall sun is setting and it's only 4:35. I write that because the beauty is so intense, even when it is getting dark. This road of infertility is dark, but yet, I still see light at the end of the day. I still have hope that somehow, someday, God will grant us with the surprise of our life. I so long for that day. I am truly leaving our journey in His hands. So far, he has made our position clear. But, I am not too old to dream and wish. I still have two more years before the dreaded 40. I know I could still conceive a child and I ache, ACHE for that day. Truly ache. The light to me represents my need for God. I am tired of living unfaithfully in my mind. I want to crawl back in my little hole where my entire focus was on God and my family. Gosh, I am so sad right now. My heart feels physically heavy. I guess it is ok to sit with this pain. I hide it most of the time. I honestly do not even know why I feel so drawn to have a baby. That time in our life has passed. I know it. I loved it. And I love our life now. I am looking forward to doing this big race in June. I am happy with having friends (who are out of the baby years). Life is moving forward and having a baby would be like starting over. But yet, I still want it. I want it each cycle- at some point. And then I spend the rest of my cycle convincing myself that I "don't" want it. But of course I do. So, that is that. I pray this evening that God surprise us with a little miracle this winter. I would love nothing more. I know it will change the course of our life, but I am in a place to handle it. I want to tell my family. I want everyone to be excited. I want to cuddle with that sweet newborn all morning long. And I want to know that we are finally "over" when he/she (or both) come. Dear Lord, I am not the most faithful of your servants, but I beg you to please consider us worthy of another child. I know all things are possible through you. I know that you can overcome any medical issues that we have. I know that you can make this tiny baby perfect in my womb. Lord, if we are worthy, please let us have this blessing. Amen.

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