Community post

I Thought...

I wanted to give voice to the sadness I had when I found out my positive tests were false...

God, I thought you created life in me. I was glowing for days as I thought about how much I would love that child, how many kisses I would give her... I thought about how much you must have wanted her to exist...
I imagined Simon playing with his little sibling... the two of close in age and best friends.
I thought I would get to experience the water birth I had been dreaming of for ages.
I had already dreamed of names...
I had already imagined my life with two in tow. A proud mama, with full hands and a full heart...

Now, I don't know what to feel. Even though I didn't lose her (as she never existed) it feels like a loss.
I feel a hole in my heart where my imaginary child lived.
I don't know how to process? How did I already love a child that never existed?
And what if she never does exist?
Does that make me less loved by you? Does that make me less blessed? Does that mean that you don't desire for this precious angel to exist? I know in my head that these things aren't true, but there are still questions, hurts, and lies in my heart.

I want to believe your timing is right. I want to believe you have a plan for me and my family.
I'll take every day one step at a time. And trust in Your Goodness.

1 Comment • 9 years ago

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