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Tired yet Hopeful

My husband and I have a very healthy sex life, or so we thought. I've tracked my periods and lovemaking before with other apps, and found our love life to be standard... 2 to 3 times a week, maybe 8-11 times total a month. As this is the first month we've gotten serious about having another child, we've made love more in the last 2 months than either of us expected.

I'm tired, run down. I'm glad we spent so much time together, and that we found time even though we have two children already. But I'm glad the fertile period is over, and we can go back to status quo for a bit. I'm just not feeling myself with allergy season kicking my tail.

I want this so desperately, but neither of us know if we can actually HAVE more kids. I was on the Mirena IUD after my daughter was born, and after a year had it removed because I had recurring cysts. My hubby had a prostate infection nearly 6 months after that, and we don't know if it left him sterile. The longer we go without conceiving, the more I fear we'll never have more children.

I pray every night for us not to be sterile, for us to have one more child. We love our two children, but they were both surprise babies. We'd love to have a baby that we actually planned, and I fear that may never happen. While during the most fertile period, I was also at my most hopeful. Now that that time is over, I find myself kind of melancholy. Not quite depressed, but not Pollyanna, either.

What if it never happens? What if the two we already have, and are so grateful for, are it for us? Our house just doesn't feel complete, and we both acknowledge that. Can we be content with just the two we have? Or are we always going to feel like something is missing?

TTC naturally is all we have. We can't afford fertility treatments, doctor's visits, medications, adoption... that's all way out of our price range. I'm taking prenatals daily, he's taking L Carnitine to help with sperm motility. I don't know if it'll help, but I figured it couldn't hurt.

True, this is only our first cycle of actively TTC, but we've used no birth control and have had a healthy sex life for 5 years with no results. I'm hoping it's only because we've not really tried, but what if I'm wrong?

0 Comments • 10 years ago

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