Community post

In a Hurry Since the Loss

July 2nd 2011, I never got the positive result I had been looking for. Yet, never being pregnant before and having one scare in the past...I just knew. I told my symptoms to a friend and she told me it sounded like I was pregnant. As soon as the words flew out of her mouth, it felt true.

Between that day and one week later, I grew to love the little thing that had to only be 2 or 3 weeks old. I began planning a nursery. I imagined how we would set up our apartment to welcome the blessing in disguise. If only I had known...

July 12th it had stopped. Symptoms. The feeling I had had for almost a month of not being alone. The feeling of meaning, purpose. It was gone. When I researched some symptoms, mine didn't match up.

I had bleeding for over a week, until the 12th. It wasn't a period. It had been light, only cramped when the bleeding began. Then it was heavy. And gone.

We named her Taylor, for a gender neutral name. Weeks later I ask God or Tay to give me a sign so I could know what to refer Tay as. That same night I dreamed of my baby for the first time. This gorgeous little girl with light brown hair running up to me. She had to be around six and she called, "Mommyyy!" as her arms latched around me.

I awoke. Taylor is my daughter.

Despite not being ready for a child, she would have been a great blessing. Unfortunately, her daddy tends to be on the cautious side and doesn't want to get married unless we have a ridiculous amount of cushion money. Not being married includes having kids.

And ever since I lost my Tay bear, I've been in the hurry to have children. Of course I want to be married first, but considering the way DB (dear boyfriend) is, I wouldn't mind a child first if it happened by mistake. And recently I felt he was warming to the idea.

Mistaken. Having a scare currently, though that hope for me is dwindling. DB is beside himself with anxiety over the possibility.

Now I have to figure out what to do if I am (as in, how to tell DB without him fainting or curling up in a corner to sob before coming to terms and enjoying the new precious life we made!). Or if I'm not...how I'm going to cope.

I think I'm just going to have to put my foot down and tell DB no more fun times until marriage, because getting my hopes up when an 'accident' or 'unsafe intercourse' occurs, is killing me.

I'm becoming bitter when other women are pregnant. My sister was pregnant when I lost Tay bear, and she is pregnant now when I am so close to having my beautiful rainbow baby (first child after a loss).

I just feel empty and hollow. I want my Taylor. I want a child. I want a family. I'M READY, but DB is not. The cushion he has set up will take us at least 2 more years to save. 2.5 for a marriage. Then generally it takes a couple a year or two before conceiving, which means I will be 26 or 27.

Not at all what I had planned for my life. Never thought I would find my perfect man, and he wouldn't be ready. Let alone experiencing a loss such as this. It really does rip at your heart.

Eh, sorry for the rambling ladies! Just letting some of the bitterness out...I'm ready and he isn't, and after a 'mistake' that was such a blessing - we lost her. I want to try again. NOW. We could afford it. We wouldn't be scraping pennies.

But DB heirs on the side of TOO MUCH CAUTION. I guess I need to get used to it. Putting my foot down now. No more false hope until he is ready.

At least I can continue to heal from our loss. RIP my gorgeous Taylor Austin <3

1 Reply • 11 years ago

0 0 0 0