Community post

Becoming a NICU Mom (part 2)-

She says she's a NICU nurse. They are taking my baby back downstairs. He stopped breathing. He had to have intervention. He's breathing again. We can come with him. Do we want to follow? Yes. We want to follow. Let me use the restroom first.. they close my door and I collapse into my husband. I bawl. I've had him less than 12 hours and he's already almost died. I'm unfit. I'm a terror. I'm at a loss for words. We follow the nurse to the room in the NICU where he is. It's his own room. It's a long term stay room. He has wires. He has tubes. He has... His bassinet in the corner. He has 7 nurses huddled around him scrambling to attach more things to my baby. They are giving him something in his IV. I don't know what it is. I don't know to ask. I don't know how to speak. I am sitting on the couch with hot tears on my face. They are streaming down, and my husband is holding back his own. He is holding my hand, but I can't see it. I can only see my baby's foot. It's against the plastic. It has his little band on it. He's crying, they are shoving a paci in his mouth. He needs me. I am helpless. The rest of the night is a blur. The next week is a blur. He is taken off the oxygen and put on room air. He has light therapy. I am pumping. I am pumping. I am pumping. It is all I can do to nourish my baby. It is all I can do to help him. I am pumping. I am measuring the mL. I am counting the minutes on the clock. I am pumping. I see improvement. I see decline. He is taken off the air and his bassinet now approved. Things are looking up. We are told to bring in his car seat. We get to sign release papers. He is lowered to flat sleeping. He starts to have desats. Oh God. He has them more. It's 2am and they tell me he has to be on oxygen again. I am pumping. I am crying. I am so discouraged. This goes on for days. The car seat sits in the corner mocking me. It sits there unused and unnecessary. My husband wildly researches. He talks to other NICU dads. He finds an option. A going home option. Is it right for us? I'm too scared to ask. The days go on and I grow weary. I ask. Can he go home on oxygen and a monitor? They say it is possible. He has to pass a sleep study. He does ok... While on oxygen. They tell us he can stay at the hospital, but it might be months. They try to get us to stay. But, we discuss it with his doctor and agree to take him home. We are taught how to use the monitor. We are taught how to use the oxygen. We are taught baby cpr. They tell me to bring back his car seat. We dress him in his going home outfit. He is 10 days old. He gets his stickies off just for his newborn pictures. You can still see the red circles on his tiny cheeks. A permanent reminder of his journey. We pack up his belongings and we get to say goodbye. We hug our favorite nurse. We turn in our door key. We walk out of the hospital lobby for the last time, oxygen tank in tow.

I lived in the NICU for over a week. I didn't eat, shower, or walk out that door. I will forever remember the beeps and alarms, the tubes and IVs. I will remember hearing my son not being able to breathe.

http://i.imgur.com/EgnsoQh.jpg

3 Comments • 6 years ago

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