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Back...but only briefly, Gave up hope and then dared to hope again...
It been nearly two years since we began TTC. Two years of emotional and physical hell. I will admit, earlier this year I gave up. I was certain that my medication for depression and anxiety was throwing my cycles out of whack and hindering my ability to fall pregnant. So I stopped trying.
They say when you stop trying it happens. Well, not for me.
I stopped taking my meds because I was sick of having erratic 100+ day cycles. My periods returned to normal, for 2 whole cycles. Then, this month, bam, back to the same crap.
I just wrote it off as my body is a messed up and that I will never get pregnant. No point in even hoping. Doctors? When would I have the chance when my PcP is a bitch that just nods and smiles and makes fun of my complaints, she offered to send me to a gyno that she recommends highly, but I dont trust her judgement, and it was a male so that was a huge no. So I just ignored the fact that I am hugely irregular, then gained some hope after my periods returned to normal following Paxil withdrawal.
I thought, we might have a chance now. So after 2 happily normal cycles I decided to just give it a half hearted attempt, not really expecting any thing. But true to form my body was up for the performance. Instead of a period, I got tons and tons of white cm soaking my panties for around a week. Then pinches and stinging sensations in my pelvis. Then just like my body does, it said PSYC!
The cm dried up and became thicker, the pinches and stings gave way to lower back af ache, and my heart, which I had tried so hard to protect, broke. I told myself over and over, all through the symptoms, you're not pregnant, you're just messed up. But still, when the AF type pains began today I was, am crushed.
I never tested. I couldn't bear to see another negative test. I don't know, hopelessness does not begin to cover it.
If you are reading this, I hope your dreams come true and you are showered with blessings...
2 Comments • 8 years ago
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I don't even know you but I am sad for you that you feel hopeless. Please don't give up hope! I recently read an article about women who are born without a uterus(I didn't know this was possible) and some MIGHT be able to get a transplant. Now those women sadly dont have a lot of hope that a baby will grow inside them someday but us ladies with infertility issues can still dream. We have also been trying for nearly two years but there is always a way forward(more tests, iui, ivf, adoption). Best of luck to you!
8 years ago
That little glimmer of hope......it keeps us trying but at the same time it "punishes" severely bringing so much disappointment. Reading your entry I see in how much emotional pain you are. While our earthly hopes may be smashed, we may stand firm on the promises of God. Nothing, nothing can separate us from the love of God - Romans 8: 35-39.
Praying for comfort and peace in your heart.
8 years ago
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