Community post
Explaining Second thoughts about pregnancy
Today I woke up with my eyes stuck shut from crying myself to sleep like some weirdo.
I was sooo insecure & worried last night about any & everything. I'm not even 4 weeks yet and I'm emotional over everything and I over react.. Like wtf?
But, I prayed before I went to sleep like always & today after getting out of the shower, I read the comments on my last post.
You women want to make people feel that there is something wrong with women who have panic attacks about pregnancy. Yes, I do have some selfish fears. Especially about my body & sex life. I've never went full term idk how it's all gonna be. Simple as that.
But, I do know it's normal to fear change.. Especially if something is going to change your entire life FOREVER.
I'm not a self centered person. I run a Pit Bull rescue, Hire homeless people to do things around the yard to help them, and I put other people before me & I am the best Christian I can be.
when we decided to start our TTC journey we started a fund for the baby's college, the baby's sweet 16 & the baby's first car. theres 2300$ in college funds & 1000$ in sweet 16 & 950 some odd dollars in the car fund. We know we have wanted this child. This child was prayed for HARD.
But yesterday, I went to the drs to get check for kidney stones.. & This is where it alllll started.
I was alone too..
But he wanted to check my HcG levels because I had missed my app. to get them redone because My water pump messed up in the car. anyway. He done my levels & they came back at 328! I was so happy, so excited to hear him say "This looks good. This one is off to a great start! You make me it full term this is the highest levels we have seen you have this early." And boom. it hit me.. life is about to change forever..
I sat there, waiting to be dismissed and get my papers & meds. & the thoughts & fears built to a unrealistic level of panic.. The doctor did not help whatsoever with saying " this is one of the hardest things in life..
I am thankful for this child. I can't express my happiness. but yesterday I freaked out badly. Today, I guess I'm back to reality and overly joyed.
But, I will say I do have fears, of my body, my love life, our marriage, our future, etc.
It's normal. It is. because I even called my doctor as an emotional wreck saying how I can't see myself doing this and I was balling my eyes out, I told him I thought I was a bad mom already & he laughed at me and said that this is normal. I'm in a state of shock that I may actually carry this baby after 3 MC. & he was right because after talking to him for like an hour about adoption I convinced him I would kill him if he ever told me to give my baby away that it was mine & god gave me it for a reason!! But I fell asleep.
Today, I am happy. I am in such a great mood & I cannot wait for my ultrasound. My advice to anyone who has the same fears as I did or do, just breathe. I know its scary, but god has a way of showing us we're going to be okay :)
It's not just kisses, smiles & giggles. It's long nights, less freedom, and a lot to adjust too.
But I wrote my baby letter today as always. Telling him or her about last night and how Today I feel different. I also put details of the online comments of how I felt and how it made me feel.
I'm not a bad mother. or a selfish one. I'm a scared one who has never experienced a full term pregnancy and honestly thought it'd never happen to me because I always got bad news.. Yesterday was a shock to me but after the emotional state I am content. Judge me if you like, I don't care. Everyone has fears.
I did have selfish moments but I'm not a selfish person.
7 Comments • 10 years ago
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Like you said, it IS normal. If you were like "everything is going to be puppies and sunshine and rainbows" I think it would be more abnormal. You're being realistic. I hope you know this community is here to support you. Feel free to private message me if you ever just want to vent, cry, etc. I may have to do the same someday when I get my BFP as I too have had multiple m/c's and know I will be a basket case of nerves at first, followed by other stress I am sure! Sending you many, many hugs today!!
10 years ago
thank you so much girl.. It was just such an off, off day for me.. Hubby was so supportive though thank god.. I think most people don't understand others journeys and how emotional, or shocking this whole situation can be ya know... Sending u baby dust :) Hope u get ur BFP soon.
10 years ago • Post starter
Just want to say that there is a difference between panic attacks (this post) and feeling that you don't want your baby to ruin your good looks and be an inconvenience in your romantic life (which is how I understood your last post). I have sympathy for anyone who is having a genuine freak out. I'm less sympathetic towards someone who has suddenly realised they might get some stretch marks. Whichever it is, you can't change your situation now, so I hope you adjust to it and find the strength you need to cope with both the niggles and the genuine fears. All the best to you and your big adventure. I hope I might get there myself one day and have the luxury of complaining about any aspect of it - and I mean that genuinely. I am certain that I too will be grumpy, fearful and irritable about many aspects of it. I just hope I remember to be joyful and be glad, too.
DE IVF = next step. Much higher success rates, but so used to things not working, it's hard to feel too hopeful. Wishing others an easier time. 
10 years ago
I never meant to imply I didn't want the kid.. Just wondered if I was capable of being a mother. which I know I am. However, You should never jump the gun on someone else's situation. at least I was woman enough to admit my feelings during my day of panic about change. Yes, I worry about stretch marks. Or I did yesterday would be better to say because I was emotional. I was emotional before I went to the dr's. I was emotional about sex life & insecure he wouldn't want me. etc. or what if I was a crappy mom because I cant bond with my baby (like my mother did me but she was just crappy.) theres a lot more to my situation than YOU or anyone else truly understands & that is when you guys need to not judge. I wasn't complaining about my pregnancy I was venting about my fears. & I, too hope you get to experience what I'm going through and maybe you want judge someone so quickly. I have planned this child, but second guessed my choice because I was scared. Not because I didn't wa
10 years ago • Post starter
Hope you are feeling better. Not judging you at all. I would dearly love to be in your shoes, that's all. Probably it is hard to remember that some of us have been struggling for years with fertility issues when you are having a bad day. Maybe it is time to move to CMP with the other mothers-to-be? I'm sure you are not the only one with worries and fears. The ladies over there are probably going through similar anxieties and concerns and you won't have to bear in mind the need to be sensitive for fear of upsetting those of us who have been LTTC/ fertility issues. Hope the rest of your pregnancy is happy and healthy. Have faith in yourself. There are a lot of idiots out there who are parents and if they can do it, any of us can.
10 years ago
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