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Melissa - its crap i know. I miscarried my first at 20 weeks he was lovely. I didnt think i could go on but i had my lovely daughter a year later. Although he wasnt eptopic and i cant imagine what you are going through. Get yourself well hun xx

Melissa - I have not stopped thinking about you all weekend. It IS completely unfair to struggle with infertility for so long only to have this happen to you. I am so angry and saddened for you - I don't know why some people conceive easily, never have a pregnancy loss, and have easy pregnancies. It just doesn't seem right that so much can happen to to one person or one group of people. We are here for you. We love you. PLEASE let me know if I can do ANYTHING for you. I really wish we were close so I could just hug you.

Oh my Ive missed so much!

Lis, I feel like my heart just got ripped open for you! I'm having a hard time not crying. Life is so unfair...Lis I love you, and I'm so very sorry this had to happen to you! If there is anything I can do please let me know. I'm praying very hard for you right now and sending love your way. BIG HUGS! :'( :'( :'(

I'm at school after a very long weekend of clinicals. So I'll check back in later. Love you all.

Melissa - I am so so so sad for you. This breaks my heart. I am in shock really. I was there was something I could do for you. If there is anything, please let me know. Continue to take time for yourself and be sad. Days will get better, but this is really tough. Sending lots of giant hugs your way. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hi ladies,

Thanks again for all the caring messages. They really do help. This was probably the worst weekend of my life.

When i went for the ultrasound on Friday morning, he used the abdominal wand first. When he couldn't find anything he said maybe it was too early, and I should come back in two weeks. I kind of knew right then and there something wasn't right, but I shoved the thought away and asked if he could do a trans-vaginal ultrasound. He agreed and we got set up for that. When he started he said he still couldn't see anything in my uterus and kept asking me if I was sure I was pregnant, had I had any spotting, how far along I thought I was, etc. At that point I knew for sure. I knew before he did. I told him he needed to look in my tubes. He started to do that, and then stopped and turned the screen away. He took a lot of pictures then called in the radiologist. I started to cry then. The radiologist confirmed what I thought, and gave me a note to bypass the ER wait and get right in. I had another abdominal ultrasound in the hospital ER, and then they had the gynecological resident come to talk to me. She went over all the information with me, including the part where the embryo was growing on target and had a heartbeat, it was just in the wrong spot and that it would need to be surgically removed or I'd be risking my life. I'd been crying so much up to that point, I just kind of numbly nodded that I understood. Everyone I'd had contact with knew that I'd tried for over 5 years for this baby, and thankfully everyone had a very good bedside manner.

I got wheeled into the surgery by a nurse who was 34 weeks pregnant. It strikes me as completely absurd now, but I congratulated her as I was being wheeled in to have my own hard fought for pregnancy ended. I'm not quite sure why I did that.

When I woke up from the surgery, the first thing I asked was if I still had my tube. When I got told no, I started to sob hard and loudly because I knew it was truly over. I couldn't stop, couldn't control it. I could hear the nurses whispering about how it had taken me five years to get pregnant just to lose it like that. I cried so hard they thought I was going to hurt myself. I was given a shot of morphine and that knocked me out, and I was a little calmer when I woke up, though I was still very upset. Anytime anyone asked me how I was, my answer was "physically, I'm okay, emotionally not so much". I think they were prepared to have a psychologist come and talk to me, because I was so emotional. I was able to say I would be okay though. Physically I was and have been fine. Thankfully there has been next to no pain at all. I even refused the narcotics they were going to send me home with.

I cried pretty much all weekend, but I woke up feeling a little better this morning. I left a tearful message for my RE yesterday, and surprisingly got called back with an appointment for this morning. I just got back from that. I have a plan of action for when the "miscarriage" part is over. Once my next cycle after that starts, I'll be going for another HSG. When we get the results of that, we will decide what happens next. I feel better having a plan.

I'm definitely still sad and probably will be for a good while, but I'm not crying as much as I was. I have had to keep it together when my daughter was around, because she had no idea I was pregnant and doesn't need to know I lost the baby. I'm going to lay low for awhile and recover physically. I will be okay. I will try again, and I have to believe I will get pregnant again.

Oh Lis, I just broke down and cried when I read that. I wish there was more I could do or say Besided tell you I'm sorry :'( take all the time you need. We will be here when your ready to come back. love you.

Melissa - my heart is aching for you =(

I hate to cut in with my problems but I am a basket case. M decided to move out. Said we "sheltered" him, that he was never happy, and this wasnt his "lifestyle". Well he is gone. I am sad he is choosing this path. I cried after he was gone (still kinda am). Before M left he said, "I just wanted to say thank you for all you guys did for me, for taking me in and everything. Thank you, and I love you guys" I held back tears until I made some phone calls then let them lose. I am feeling heart broken for him. If the women he moved in with would have told him no to deal with it at home we would have gotten through it. But we told him we arent going to be a revolving door, he cannot move in and out when he chooses.

All because we caught him in lies we could have gotten through and wouldnt let him bring his dog here. I am so sad. All this past week I had been finding random thoughts like "when M is gone....we can have his room back as a nursery, spend less on gas/groceries, enjoy more time together as a couple" And I kept stopping myself and saying "No, M is living here. It is the best place for him. It is where he is staying. This is his home." I had NO CLUE where the thoughts were coming from but I think God was preparing me. Because this hurts. I feel like I am grieving a loss. I dont get it.

On top of it all I am overanalyzing everything because I am 10dpo. Crying...hormones? Bbs hurt...pregnant? UGH! =(

I love you ladies. Thanks for listening to my blabbering

P.S. I hope the last part about feeling like grieving doesnt come off as insensitive Melissa, I just feel like I am watching a potential life fade away because of all off his bad choices.

Oh Jess, you're definitely allowed to grieve for the things happening in your own too!

I know life goes on, that other people still have crap things happen, and that there will be sadness and joy to be had. I don't expect you guys to stop talking about your lives because of what has happened to me. I wouldn't want you to feel you had too, either.

Part of what is allowing me to heal is that I know that this stuff just happens. As sad as I am, and as sad as the situation is, I know that it could have been so very much worse. I can only begin to imagine how much worse it is to lose a baby halfway through like Karen did *hugs to you Karen* or to have a stillborn or to have a child you've held in your arms pass away.

I'm not going to let this get the best of me. I am going to let myself grieve, but I'm also going to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. I want you guys to keep going too. Keep talking, venting, experiencing and growing. And I will too.

Love you guys!

Life just isnt fair.

Women who smoke get pregnant (repeatedly even with losses and continue to smoke....coworker is pissing me off!)

Parents that sexual abuse their kids are allowed kids in the first place.

Sexually Abused kids get messed up and mess up their life with poor choices due to poor parenting.

Women who eat healthy, dont drink in excess (or at all!), dont smoke, and love children experience loss after loss and infertility.

It doesnt make sense.

I didnt think I would be this upset over him leaving but I love him and I saw the sadness in his eyes as he left. Just because we were angry and disappointed didnt mean we didnt love him and want him here.