Community post

Trying and Waiting...For the BFP

This is the second month of trying to get pregnant

I've never had a second month of trying to get pregnant

All of those poor people who have been trying for years would shame me, laugh a me?

I've entered the TTC community, on 3 different support group websites. There's thousands upon thousands of women in these groups. I've had to learn the lingo like AF, BFP, DPO, POAS, TWW and the dreadful BFN

10 years ago, almost 11 now, when I was still in my 20's having my last child, my sixth child, I never took a pregnancy test until after I missed a period or was very close to missing it. I wasn't a TTCer. We just had sex and then I was pregnant, it was stress free, fun and simple and it all ended in a beautiful moment where I POAS, or peed on a stick and was overjoyed to find out there was a tiny baby inside of me.

Since I wasn't a TTCer I wasn't waiting to "feel" implantation cramps, or wondering if my sore boobs was from the HCG that started to get released yesterday after I felt those implantation cramps. Wondering if that nauseousness I felt during that car ride was morning sickness, or the fact that I had to pee in the middle of the night was a symptom. I wasn't waking every morning and going to sleep every night in this world but so trapped inside my body, paying attention to every symptom great and small always relating it to pregnancy, no symptom goes unnoticed.

Never did the dpo or days past ovulation crawl by 2dpo, 3dpo, 4dpo, 5dpo, until I couldn't help myself any longer and I'd start peeing in a cup at 6dpo to see if I saw the slightest hint of a line on the HPT, home pregnancy test. Only to get negatives day after day. I've done the 4HH, 6HourHold, holding my pee as long as I possibly can to let every morsel of that HCG build in my urine so I can spill it out in a cup in hopes that it will light up that test strip like a Christmas tree. My hopes are high each morning, could this be the day, will I have the moment of elation of seeing that line, even if its faint, so faint that I have to twist and turn the test in the light to get a glimpse of a line that's not really there, then I'll be elated. Only to doubt myself. Because you know, there's dye runs on these test, there's evaporation lines, there's false positives. You never trust the blue dye test, always confirm with the pink dye.

Always asking all of the other TTCer their advise, because there's comfort in numbers, there's security in a community, everyone wants a support group. What they say goes, they are the standard. While your in there, the communities, you see other's faint lines turn into BFPs, big fat positives and you feel a surge of happiness, for them, but also for yourself, because if its happening to them, surely its going to happen to you.

So, in my second month of being a TTCer, I'm already over it!

I've had my hopes dashed by the FRER, First Response, the most expensive test and the only one to be trusted. It gave me a dark BFP when I really wasn't pregnant. It lied to my face. I posted the picture of it on all the communities and was smiling when I was reading all of the "Congratulations!" messages only for my heart to sink, really low when the nurse called and said "no, you're not pregnant, you never were"

This month, once again I waited for that ovulation week. Me and the hubs did the BD, baby dance at all the right times and then the dreadful TTW, two week wait started. The time between ovulation and when AF, aunt flow is suppose to start. I've gotten so many negatives, spent lots of money on test and even got the vvveryvfaint blue line over and over on a walmart cheapy that I know is really another negative. But I did it, I let myself pretend that cheapy was real and got the slightest bit excited, I think the hubs got excited too. But, all of the other test have called that cheapies bluff.

Today is 12dpo. According to percentages I have a 89.9% chance of getting a BFP today. I just can't POAS. I can't see another blazing white test strip staring me in the face. It's only my second month, but I've never had a second month. I want to drink a glass of wine freely, I want to not think twice about the CM, because every female on the earth has cervical mucus, only the crazy analyze it. I'm done being crazy, its only been two month, but I've never had a second month and I think I'm old school. I don't know how all of these people are TTCer for month and years, but I just can't.

I'll probably POAS tonight in hopes for my BFP after drinking a glass of wine. There's only 3 days left of my TWW to keep getting a few more BFNs.

6 Comments • 5 years ago

0 0 0 0