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tizzygiraffe

Anxious about partners fertility and need some advice or comfort please

This may be tmi for some

My partners only 32 but since around March/April he's been having issues. He lost his drive very suddenly: describing sex as feeling like "effort" and never really being in the mood. He often struggles to get hard and can't finish easily.

He first attributed it to stress because of a new job, and then after that he said it was loss of confidence because I had got upset about it (I feel horrible about that now).
I left it alone, and he quit the job, but it's not got any better. He does struggle with low mood and tiredness, but he always has done (he's been worse for it in the past than he is now) and its never made a difference before so I feel like that's not the issue.

When he does finish, his ejaculate volume is really low (from what I've seen from activity other than intercourse). He's never been a big volume kind of guy but it's become abnormal now. I'm talking a couple of droplets - the "normal" volume range for a man is 1.5ml-5ml but I'd say he's probably producing less than half a mililitre (I'm aware things can look like less than they actually are but I work with liquids and pipettes on the daily by the way so unfortunately my volume estimation is pretty accurate. I'd say about 0.2 ml if I was asked to be specific).

He had his testosterone and cortisol checked in June, they were both within normal range but he wasn't in a normal sleep cycle at that time and the 8am blood test was the middle of the night as far as he was concerned, so I don't know how much that affects things since they are hormones which are reliant on a solid circadian rhythm.

He tested negative for diabetes just before this started being an issue.

He's had a semen analysis about 4 or 5 years ago which showed everything was peachy and has managed to get another woman pregnant before (very sadly it didn't go to term). But given how dramatically its changed, I don't feel that means anything.

I can't stop worrying about it. He says its not worth worrying about because we arent trying to have a baby yet. But we're a good few years or so away from being in the place for kids (I'm several years younger), and I'm concerned it'll only get worse, whatever it is. He doesn't like to talk about it because discussing it makes it worse. But I think theres something to be said for prevention and taking care of fertility in advance especially given we both want children more than anything else.

What can I say to him? It's getting to the point where its all I can think about and making me feel like having a baby should be more urgent for us. But he gets annoyed if I pester him about his health or anything like that, and he's already snapped at me for worrying about this issue in general, he's aware of the volume thing as he's mentioned it himself, so I don't know how to raise it with him. Turning here as a last resort because I feel quite alone and stressed out and like I'm suffering with nobody who can relate!

I left it til the very end to say that I'm a seminologist, that's what I do for a job. But please don't assume that due to my job I am overreacting :(

3 Replies • 5 years ago

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millbarnett

Everyone worries. I do however think that I would at least have a couple unsuccessful months of ttc before thinking there could be a problem. If his age seems to be a concern, maybe the talk about having children might be moved up? It may take a while anyway? It took us 4 years to get pregnant. We were initially going to wait a year to start trying. Thankfully we started trying just months after marriage. I really never thought it would take so long for us. But for him, he's not even going to accept any possibility of a problem when you guys haven't even been trying

Mill

5 years ago

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tizzygiraffe

I would agree about having a few months of ttc before getting too freaked, I suppose I'm just too worried about it getting worse over time, or if it's something that would do permanent damage if its left alone.
I wish the conversation could be moved up, I'm doing a top up masters degree to change careers so we aren't stable enough for a baby right now though ??
By the way, congratulations on getting your daughter at long last and baby dust for you this time ????

5 years ago • Post starter

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LadyMae

A couple of things here. I read this to my DH to get his opinion. I figure you need advise on dealing with your partner, who better than to ask a man about erection issues. So this is based on that conversation:

I wouldn't worry about volume unless you are having touble ttc. Although low volume isn't necessarily an issue for ttc. That being said, it would be worth bringing it up with his doctor at his yearly physical though.

I think the bigger issue here, the one that jumps out at me, is the issue with sex drive and erections. You say he has low mood? If he is depressed, erectile dysfunction and low sex drive is common. Just because he was more depressed in the past than he is now, does not mean that it can't be the cause. Severity of the other symptoms really doesn't factor into different symptoms arising. He had a stressful job, which you said he left. Did he start something new? If he is feeling a loss of confidence or a hit to his self esteem that can totally effect sex drive.

Obviously talking about it makes him uncomfortable based on what you are saying. However, if something is bothering you, you need to be able to talk to your partner. In my experience, I would just lay it out on the table, this is what I'm worried about, this is what I am feeling and you don't have to take any steps to fix it, that part is entirely up to you, but as my partner, you do need to hear me. If it is easier, sometimes for hot button issues where I know we have argued before, my DH and I will text eachother from other rooms, so that we think about what we want to say and things do not get heated.

You sound like a woman that can communicate her concerns very clearly. I wish you the best.