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I feel like giving up most days :(

I'm 35, 36 in October, honey is 41. I had 2 missed miscarriages already and the last one was really bad. Just recently I found out my kidneys are being jerks and being "leaky". Plus I'm diabetic which I found out at the time of my last mmc ANDDDDD, my blood pressure is borderline so I'm now on bp medication. All I wanted was one more pair of little feet running around our home and thought it was happening, twice, then nothing. we tried Clear blue opk and I was getting smiley faces on day 12 but nothing still. this month we gave up the opk;'s because they honestly stress me out, then the 2ww is a whole other stressful thing for me. I just want to say eff it and get my tubes tied. I'm struggling between my health and age and wanting another child so very badly. My Dr says I can keep trying for a while and that it is my decision but when we do decide that we no longer want to try, she will be getting very aggressive with treating my blood pressure and If she cant get it down, she will refer me to a specialist. High bp impacts my kidneys apparently. We've only been trying since October but still, if I was to get pregnant, would it stay? was my undiagnosed diabetes the cause of the other 2 mmc? my dr seems to think but we don't know for sure. Its a heart breaking decision either way and I'm stuck. My partner is quiet sometimes so I really have to get him to talk and I'm also very independent and like to keep my problems to myself. sighhhhh, I don't know, life is sure hard sometimes.

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