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Losing our baby
We had 4 early miscarriages in 2019 so come the new year we kinda gave up ! Sold all our twins baby clothes etc and made the decision to move on and concentrate on ourselves and our family.
Somehow we ended up with a positive test by the end of January. At 6 weeks I was taken into hospital with a suspected ectopic but baby showed to be growing fine, re-scaned at 8 weeks and there he was! All wiggly and perfect. I found it hard to relax coming up to our 12 weeks scan. We knew there was a small bleed around him but nothing worrying we were told. I was exhausted, nauseous, horrific food versions, my skin was awful and I felt rubbish ! I took it all as a good signs and come my 12 weeks scan I tried my hardest to look forward to it.
Nothing could have prepared me for the next month. I left my scan being told my baby had a lot of swelling around them. A blood test done that day showed that so had a 1 in 5 chance of Down Syndrome and we were booked in for CVS. 24 hours later we were at Newcastle RVI. The Drs told me the babies swelling had increased further but they couldn't get to my placenta so back I went 7 days later. This time they were successful in getting a sample but our baby's swelling had increased once again. 2 days later we we're told we were having a baby boy and had a diagnosis of Down Syndrome! In my mind I was happy that it wasn't Edwards or Patau and put the swelling to the back of my mind in the hope that it would clear once out babies lymphatic system kicked in.
A few days after I turned 16 weeks I just knew something was wrong ! The little flutters I loved feeling so much had vanished, all my symptoms too. My partner tried to put my mind at rest and told me that he would be fine, we had a fetal echo scan booked for a few days later so I told myself I was just over thinking.
One day later my waters broke as I got out of bed and my worst fears were confirmed a few hours later with a scan showing our baby's heart had stopped. I was induced that day and our baby was born the next day at 4:27pm.
I can't even put into words how painful it has all been. Leaving hospital without Elliot was horrific, his cremation was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do and almost 4 weeks on my mental health has took a huge nose dive.
I'm not sure we will try again for a baby but I wanted to share our story with others who may have gone through or are going through something similar
7 Comments • 3 years ago
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I'm so desperately sorry for your loss! 
I've had 2 miscarriages myself, but mine have not been this traumatic as mine were all before 5 weeks. Even though it would've been so hard to do, I'm glad you got to hold your Elliot before you said goodbye, and that picture touched my heart. You're in my prayers, and please feel free to DM me if you want someone to talk to. Lastly, please don't be afraid to reach out to your doctor and get the help you need to get through this. A psychologist could really help you work through this grief process, and maybe medication could help take the edge off while you do that. Not telling you what to do here, I just feel that this isn't said enough to mothers. Nobody encouraged me to get help when I had ppd and ppa, and I desperately needed it - I'd hate to see another woman suffer more than she has to all bwcause of the silly stigma around maternal mental health. Your Elliot is in Heaven praying for his mama and his family, and he will help you through this! 
3 years ago
I’ve read this 3 times today. I’ve logged on, looked at the normal things, and ended up reading this again. Saying I’m sorry for your loss doesn’t feel like enough. I hate that you had to go through this. That you ever knew what this kind of loss feels like hurts my heart.
Your precious Elliot knew how much you loved him. He knew.
I agree with E Massey about reaching out for help. So often as moms and those of us who have lost babies, we suffer in silence. Help is there if you need it. Take your time in the grieving process, there’s no set time limit with it. Please know that you aren’t alone. I know we don’t know each other, but I’m here for you if you ever need a friend
3 years ago
Thank you so much for sharing your story, we lost our baby girl at 19+1 days pregnant on 14th July,almost a year ago!.My waters also broke early at 17 weeks,I let nature takes it course and waited for labour to happen,but it never did,I had regular checkups,baby was absolutely fine,good strong heard beat,but there was another problem,the umbilical cord had come out,so my cervix had no chance of closing back up,doctors wouldn't do anything to help because I was only 19 weeks.Its so sad because she was perfect.At 19 weeks 1 day she started to make an appearance.Such a traumatic birth and something I'll never forget.Holding her tiny body in my arms was soul destroying.We have been trying for our rainbow baby ever since,but with no luck.I totally know what you're going through and I'm so sorry you had to go through it,the world seems so cruel.Good luck in the future with whatever decision you may choose.We know we won't stop trying for our rainbow baby and I believe one day when my body is ready it'll happen and all will be fine.My mental health took a nose dive too,a year on and I am only really stating to except it and talk about it without crying.You will get there and get stronger i promise,and one day if you decide to try again I have no doubt all will be fine.Pm me if you ever need to talk.x
3 years ago • Edited
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