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My experience trying to quit TTC

Did you know that TTC can be addictive? Did you know that even if you tell yourself “I quit” after 8 years of unsuccessfully trying, your mind doesn’t follow the lead? Did you know that no matter how hard you try you can never get it out of your head?
Well here’s my story...
I’ve been wishing for a baby the last 8 years. At first just wasn’t preventing it and I was hopeful that it will happen. For more than I should, I was so scared to go check my self in fear that something would be wrong with me... My parents and friends were constantly telling me to go and check for fertility issues.. after 7 years I went to the doctor and after some tests we found out that I had hypothyroidism in a very bad condition which is now under control and that one of my Fallopian tubes was blocked. He first told me that I can try and unblock it by a laparoscopic procedure but it could also cause more problems and that if hubbys SA turned out ok I wouldn’t have problems to conceive even with one tube.
Moving on Only thing left was for hubby to go and do his SA. Well that didn’t go as planned... it took me one year to convince him to do it. He was exactly like me at the beginning. Denial that something would be wrong and super scared at the same time. He finally did it though and we found out he had low sperm motility. Doctor said this is not so bad and he gave him some supplements for three months that could boost the motility. He advised to try for 6 months on our own and if nothing happened to go and talk about IVF.
Supplements were supposed to work after 3 months though cuz sperm needs time to be ready to work lol
Common sense tells me that if he took it for three months and will start to work after this period of time then it will be boosted for three months, hence why doctor told us to try for 6 months. So we have a 3 month window to see if we will catch that egg. Simple right? Well not so much since I have only one functional tube chances are cut to half so yea...
last cycle was the second cycle after the supplements should be working. I Ovulated from my good side and our BDing timing was perfect.. Nothing.. we didn’t succeed. This cycle that I’m currently in would be the last cycle we could try and that the supplements could work but I already knew that I would ovulate from my wrong side since it is so common for me to alternate sides from month to month. I was so devastated and still am...
I threw away all my opks and stopped everything chartingwise.. no temps, no checking cm, no opks nothing. I felt amazing. I felt so free and this liberating feeling was so soothing.. I was fast to be excited tho! As this cycle was running I at some point felt my normal O pains and my brain started to switching back to overthinking and calculating. I didn’t have opks to use, I never checked my cm or took my temp but I 99% knew which day I ovulated and since me and hubby are anyways very active sexually from that day on of course I cannot stop and secretly counting my dpo.. I cannot stop thinking about it damn it.. I want to move on. I want to tell my self that it’s ok to be just the two of us. I want to enjoy my everyday and my life. I’m almost 37 YO and so delusional to believe that it will happen after so many years of trying. I just want so much to take it out of my head... why TTC is so addictive? I’m currently 8ish dpo and my old crazy self is back and I HATE it... We don’t want to take the IVF or IUI road for many reasons so this is out of the equation. At this point I only want to stop wanting a child...
Are there any ladies in here that have any advise on how to stop hoping? I’m desperate at this point...


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6 Comments • 4 years ago • Edited


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Why not try some medicated cycles with trigger? The more eggs each month the more likely youd O from your good side. The month I did clomid I had one on each side. And why not keep taking supplements for the husband. That is the easy part. Women have babies well into their 40's these days so still some time. I paid cash for my IUI. If I remember correctly, the trigger was somewhere around $90? So just an ultrasound and that would be your out of pocket for the cycle. You cant turn it off. Women say they do, but I dont think they ever do.


Mill

4 years ago


Millbarnett To be honest I’m so tired of trying and testing if new ways will work. We spent so far money that literally lead us nowhere. All the blood testing, dye test, doctors expenses, semen analysis, supplements were on private doctors and paid from our own pocket and it was each one so expensive. All together so far are way too much and not to mention all the opks and hpts that I bought till last cycle which is a ridiculous amount of wasted money. We cannot afford something that is going to the trash can. So much money and energy and no baby. I don’t want to try any more or to fill my or hubby’s body with extra stuff with the hope that it might work cuz it won’t! It’s been way too long hun... I’m just tired. I wish I could forget it... but as you said you can’t turn it off So here I am again at a TTC site trying to find some comfort...


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4 years ago • Post starter


I'm not sure if this will comfort you and I don't know the whole stories. My sister is a labor and delivery nurse and they often have women in their 40s who are giving birth for the first time. They even had a 54 year old the other day. Granted, she probably had medical help. All I'm saying is it's never over or too late if you still have eggs and a uterus and he has the goods (lol). This is why you probably still hold out hope in your brain and can't stop wanting a child. You're brain knows it is still a possibility so you keep on hoping.

If you truly want to let go and stop wanting a child you might have to seek a therapists help to learn how to do this. They might have some ideas on how to stop the hope/wanting cycle.

In the end though the heart wants what the heart wants and I don't think it's a wrong thing to hold out hope for what may be. Sending you all the love and all the I can muster.

4 years ago


I'm sorry to read this Alex. I still hope and pray for you that you will have a baby someday. I'm an old fart at 41 and i'm doing it! If you truly do want to give up, i love the advice above about seeking a therapist or counseling. I think that is a great idea. Always wishing you the best

4 years ago


I really do know what you mean about spending the money. I paid for an IUI out of pocket and all the ultrasounds etc... it can get costly, I do know that! But only you and your husband can discuss together what is "too much". People have spent thousands and still couldnt stop. There are places that fund Ivf and I have even read that there are Grant's for it as well? If loans are an option? I know everyone's situation is different. I Thinknits time you and your husband sat down in a heart to heart and discuss what you both want to and what your willing to do to get there!


Mill

4 years ago


Flamingo thank you for sharing your sister’s experience! And yes you’re right! Since I know there’s still a chance that’s why I cannot let go and I’m totally aware of that. I just at this point hope I could focus on everything else that’s going on around me cuz honestly I feel like I’m losing precious moments of my life by focusing on something that probably will never come..
What you and Lissa suggesting about seeing a therapist would be my first advise on anyone who’s struggling with their thoughts and I’m already seeing someone once in a while after I lost my dad two years ago. Even tho it’s helpful to understand my self, my feelings and control my thoughts we all know that a therapist cannot just turn a switch.. I wish it worked like that!
Millbarnett I know that for everyone is different and some couples think that no amount of money is enough when it comes to a potential pregnancy but for us is not like that. We had that conversation long time ago and we don’t want to go on the IVF or IUI road for other many reasons except financial. I fully support and respect whoever decides to go this path but it’s not our choice. That’s why I expressed my thoughts by saying I wish I could just stop hoping.. If I could just take it out of my head it would be great. I don’t want to hope anymore, I don’t want to try anymore but yet here I am few days before AF and even tho I promise to my self that when I wake up next morning I won’t think about it, I still pull my thermometer out to see if my temps are elevated.. fortunately I threw away all my tests lol

Thank you everyone for your support! I wish to all everything your heart desires to come true soon!


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4 years ago • Post starter


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